The words I meant to say

01- Beyond the Wall

“We were always separated, I never knew how to confront the very fact that he was so near yet so far. For two years, I always wondered, “When?”. When would we be reunited.” Those were the words that were scribbled down onto Casper’s diary, the black ink stood out from the crisp white paper. He tried to spill his feelings out, but he was never one with words. But Axel was, Axel was great with words. His words could lift him off his feet, could make him swoon, could make him feel. 

Special. 

There was only one time, one time that they shared their own moment. During some pathetic camp set up by the school. Since then they were always separated, since then it was nothing but an empty hearts. Sure he got those mini-glances, sure he had the satisfaction of knowing that he existed. But what was the point? They drifted far apart, they used to be closer than this. Now it was as if a wall was constructed between them. The separation was killing him, he longed for the sunlight he radiated. 

The irony was that, now they were in the same class. They were closer than ever. Casper wondered why the wall was still so evident, why the wall broke them apart. The wall couldn’t be destroyed, could it? Casper watched as Axel would mingle with his other friends, he was not one of them of course. He didn’t really bond with him, it was only that one night, where they- 

No, Casper told himself. Every time he re-imagined it, it broke his heart several times. It made him feel hollow and empty, it made him feel...

Broken.

But still, that one time, he could not forget. They were so close, the wall didn’t exist then, there was nothing between them, not only air. Casper looked down to his notebook, he hadn’t realized he drew Axel’s face. Sure it was imperfect, but he liked it. He could feel his face get hot, he dropped his pen and collapsed to the ground from his chair. The slow sobs comforted him, his broken heart. He told himself not to, but he couldn’t resist. That one night, where he felt so close to Axel, where they actually...

Kissed. 

The more the thought the more his fragile heart shattered, the more his brain manufactured these heartbreaking scenes. He heard the slow knock on the door of his dorm, and panicked. He grabbed some tissues and got rid of the tears, he tried to look fine, he tried to smile. He opened it. 

Axel stood there, lethargic. He always would complain about the late nights with his group, how they took so long to complete the task at hand. Axel returned to his bed, which was directly across Casper’s, and fell onto it. 

For that week of camp, Casper and Axel were roommates once again. Though he was closer than ever, as physically close as they were that night, the wall separated them. That imaginary wall, with bricks that could never be destroyed. It would prevent Casper from seeing Axel, from seeing what he felt. Casper hated the wall, yet he felt somewhat grateful. He didn’t know if he was prepared for the rush of emotions when that wall broke down. 

“So how’s your group doing. Mine sucks. As usual.” Axel spoke in a told-you-so tone, he turned his body to face Casper. Casper returned to his bed as well, looking at Axel. His features enchanted him, the slightly tan skin, the bushy dark hair which would cover most of his fringe, the large spectacles that hung on his nose so elegantly. 

To him it was some form of twisted perfection. 

“Ah, the usual. Our project will suck though, I don’t care.” Casper managed a playful smile, as he looked away. He could never resist the temptation to look into Axel’s eyes, when he did he would go lost in them, he would be floating, and out of this world. 

“Hey, do you mind looking at me when you talk, it’s irritating.” Axel sounded angry, and Casper turned around. 

His eyes were trapped, they looked straight into his. His dark pupils which seemed to extend out into the endless galaxy beyond, his small little eyes, which had so much power over him. 

Axel moved over to Casper’s bed, and placed his right hand on Casper’s left. He stared straight into Casper’s eyes, making Casper’s heart skip several beats. He could feel his legs trembling with excitement and nervousness. Could this happen again, he thought in his head. Axel leaned in ever so slightly, his body tilting toward Casper’s. Casper could smell him now, he smelled of his lavender deodorant. People called it overrated, but he felt that it was fine. 

In that moment the wall crumbled, the bricks disintegrated into an ash-like substance and Casper could now see Axel’s face. His face was one of longing, and it felt like he hadn’t seen him for decades. Their hearts were linked in that moment, it was chained so tightly together that it formed a new feeling in Casper’s heart. 

Love.

“Hey, do you ned to use the toilet or not?” Axel asked, raising an eyebrow. The wall was never broken, Casper told himself. He knew he would get lost in Axel’s eyes, he knew it. And that fantasy only could cause more hurt. He couldn’t hold them back. The tears flowed out, like a horrifying waterfall, and Casper could only keep gasping for air. He turned around and huddled in the corner of his bed, refusing to look at Axel. 

Axel felt like something was his fault, he felt that Casper was closer to him than ever. He felt he needed to be responsible for this, that he needed to comfort him. But Casper could only feel the sadness swallowing him up. 

Axel was right in front of Casper now, his face only inches away from his sobs. Axel gave a gentle and warm smile, and leaned in closer. It was only a few inches now, slowly their faces were closer and Casper counted the seconds. He could feel Axel’s hot breath against his face now, he could hear his slow breathing, he could even feel his body heat...

In that moment the wall crumbled, the bricks disintegrated into an ash-like substance and Casper could now see Axel’s face. His face was one of concern, and a tinge of excitement. He felt as if he hadn’t seen him for decades. Their hearts were linked in that moment and only that moment, it was chained so tightly that Casper wished it would last forever. This was different from the fantasy, this reality was so pure and true, it only made him want this moment forever. He wanted to store this moment in a little glass jar, and release it whenever he felt like it. 

He wanted this to be eternal. He wanted to see beyond the wall, to feel what was beyond the wall, to know what was beyond the wall. 

To meet the man beyond the wall, who he had be longing for so far.