Fix Me

{ 5 }

Ironically enough, it actually is a Gee day. I've been around Gerard so much that I've almost forgotten to appreciate Gee. She goes all out on girl days. She puts on a lot of make up. Not enough to make her look weird or anything but just enough to make her look absolutely gorgeous. She's really skilled at make up, too. She could probably go into cosmetology if she didn't want to do art. Could cosmetology be considered "art?" I guess it could be to some people. I don't think it's the kind of art Gee wants to do, though. But either way she looks beautiful. She's so pretty even on Gerard days where she barely wears any makeup. Gee is so pretty that I'm almost afraid to talk to her.

But for some reason she doesn't have the reverse reasoning with me. Ya know, like "Patricia's so ugly that sometimes I'm too scared to talk to her because I don't want to look at that." I'm still surprised she hasn't given up on me. She's still here. Here right now, even.

"Hey, Patty," she smiles at me. She's starting coming over to my locker before the class periods we share so she can walk me to class. It's so cute. It almost seems like we're one of those obnoxiously clingy couples.

Wow. You just had to go there. Seriously, you're being so weird. Stop thinking like that. Do you realize how disgusted she'd be if she knew you thought about her like this? She'd run away and never talk to you again. She's just doing this out of pity. She doesn't actually like you. How could she? You're so weird and so ugly. It probably hurts her to look at you. There's nothing appealing about you. She'll abandon you soon enough.

"Hey, Gee," I try to smile back at her. I've never been good at faking my emotions. And considering how often I get sad that's probably not a good thing.

She bits her lips and frowns. "What's wrong?" I can never understand why she cares. Why does it matter to her that there's something wrong?

Because she wants to get rid of it as soon as possible. Wanna know why? You're just dead weight when your upset. When you forget how awful you are you actually are somewhat decent to hang out with. As much as you can be. She just wants to pacify you so she can use you.

That's not true. Gee isn't doing that. She isn't using me.

Well why else is she your "friend?" She's using you for something. Don't tell me you actually thinks she actually likes you. You can't be that stupid. Oh wait I forgot who I was talking to.

"Patty?" She asks gently. She has a look of actual concern in her eyes and I don't understand it at all. She's not really concerned about me. She probably is just using me for something and I hate it because I wish she could like me. But that's really impossible.
The only thing worse then that is that I can never figure out what she wants from me. What do I even have to offer? Extreme loyalty and companionship because I have absolutely no one else to turn to?

Oh no. Oh no this isn't going to happen. Look at what you're doing. You're getting upset. It's getting bad. You better clean your act up right now. You're just going to be upset all night, aren't you? You're going to make her take care of you and pity you all night? You selfish bitch! What is wrong with you? You can't just go over to people's houses and cry the entire time! Is that all your capable of? Remember what happened the last time you were invited to a party? Remember how you cried so hard and made everyone stop what they were doing to pay attention to you? Remember how you ruined their night and Mom had to come pick you up early because everyone hated you and wanted you gone as quickly as possible? You're going to do that again with Gee. You're absolutely pathetic and selfish.

"It's fine. I'm just overthinking," I try to smile at her. I'm awful at fake smiles. Maybe that's a good thing. But how could it be with how often I get upset?