IM HAPPY ALL THE TIME; phan

Watery Eyes

(play ^)

I look into the mirror, at my brown hair, brown eyes, and tiny brown spots.

I hate what I see but I don't pay much attention to it, as it doesn't bother me much.

People are always telling me that I have I'm still young, and that I don't have to take these pills to be happy. But I'm not sure they'd understand if I told them they're all that is keeping me happy.

I take one, swallow it, and feel it rest in the pit of my stomach.

I drop the razor in the sink, scared of myself and turn on the water. I put my hands under the faucet and splash the cold water in my face to wake myself up.

I take a look in the mirror again, but this time my cheeks are hollowed, and my face is red and damp. My eyelashes are curled up, pointing all in one direction.

The music blasting in the other room interrupts me and makes me poke my eye by accident. I wince and try to fan it off. I walk out of the room and when the door opens, the music gets about 10 times louder. It happens all at once, and I'm kind of side-tracked for a second.

One of my friends walks by and nods at me. "Woahh Dan! Your eyes are fucking red man! What you doing in that bathroom, dude?" He laughs and punches me in the shoulder. I rub my arm after he leaves, as it did hurt a tiny bit..

Smoke is being blown my way, and I inhale most of it. It runs into my lungs, and gets caught in them. I cough, but everyone is so stoned that no one notices.

I get a nudge by a guy against the wall, and I can't quite see his face because the pills have kicked in by now.

"Pass?" He says, his eyes droopy, holding a joint between his slim fingers. I nod no, and give him a big smile.

I feel myself chuckle for a second, without knowing why. People don't question it, but I find it normal now.

The hallways I'm walking through are dim, full of stoners, and long as hell.

My arm gets pulled and I'm met with familiar blue eyes.

"Hey baby." I slur, and her eyes glimmer. Her hands fiddle with my shirt collar, and she giggles.

"I've missed you. You don't pay attention to me anymore, Dann." She whines. Her expressions are changing drastically and her pupils are huge.

She puckers her lips and leans into me. I lean in too, and our lips move in a fast pace. Everything else is moving fast, unable for me to notice what's going on.

"I've missed you so much." She purrs, and moves the strands of her black hair out of her face.

Her cheekbones are insanely pretty, and her eyelashes are dark.

I grab her waist, and she grinds up against my leg. I bite my lip, and she tangles her fingers into my hair. I put my fingers through the loops on her high-waisted black jeans.

"You look happy, baby. You excited for me?" She smirks and drags me into a guest bedroom.

She pushes me onto the bed, and does everything for me.

I don't even have to do anything, because everyone knows she likes doing it by herself.

--

I zip my jeans back up, and she starts hooking her bra. I run my hands down her sides, and she slaps me lightly. "You're so beautiful, Jen." I say, and she doesn't answer. Her eyes are foggy, and her hair is messy.

We walk out of the room, and everyone is starting to leave the apartment. Jen is gone as soon as I turn around. I walk out of the apartment, and the breeze of the outside makes me more alert, but not unhappy.

I have a small smirk as I'm walking down the parking lot. There are more potheads here than inside. The air is infected with the smell of cannabis and musk.

"Dan!" I hear from behind me, and I'm met with another pair of blue eyes, with black hair, and a beautiful smile. "Hey babe." I say, and she looks stoned.

"Shut up and I'll blow you in Andy's car." She hisses, and pulls my arm.

Not sure who the hell Andy is, but I'm down for whatever.

We make our way to Andy's car and hop into the backseat and lock it.

--

We get out, and no one suspects a thing. "Goodnight, Christina." She walks away.

"Call me, Dan." She says.

People are all around, and I walk back to my car.

I hop inside, and kiss both Janie, and Mary goodnight. "Love you girls." I wink. They giggle.

I kiss Katherine's hand and April's ear.

I drive by them all, and even though I can't see 5 yards in front of me, I still manage to get home.

I get out of the car, and pace around my front door for absolutely no reason. I barge in the door, and into my bathroom.

I look in the mirror, and notice the 2 hickeys planted on my collarbones. I smile lightly, even though I'm not sure from which girl it was from.

I open the cabinet, and swipe my fingers around the tons of pill bottles. So many to choose from, but which one for tonight?

I glance at myself, and I everything is perfectly fine; except my face, that's blurry. I rub my eyes, and it doesn't go away. My eyes dart to the bottle that is labeled "All Night" in surprisingly neat handwriting. I pick the bottle up, and shake all its contents into my palm. The blue pills rattle in my hand, and burn my throat as I force them down my throat.

I cough, and choke, and grip my throat in my hand.

My head aches, and my palms are shaky.

I fucking love it.

I pull out my phone, and read all 500 messages. Some words get mixed up, and I'm not sure if Jane is asking me dick her down, or calm her down.

I'll go with both.

I walk into my bedroom, and the posters on my wall seem to be moving. The walls are expanding, and the ceiling is getting scarily high. I look behind me, and I see a woman in a skin-tight dress, staring into my eyes with her green blue ones.

I go over to wrap my arm around her, but my hand goes right through her.

That's when I realize it isn't real. I lay on my bed, and she stands there, teasing me with her waist.

I try to shut my eyes, but when I do, I see blue eyes. Not mine, but they belong to someone. These blue eyes are so god damn beautiful. I don't think I've ever met someone with them.

I decide to keep my eyes closed, wanting more of these blue irises.