IM HAPPY ALL THE TIME; phan

Aeroplanes

(play ^)

It's Thursday night; the night before Friday morning, and then Friday afternoon. 

And then Friday night.

I've been texting him nonstop, asking what's going on, and where we plan to go.

Once he said Florida, but then he said Philly, and then he said New York.

So in reality, I don't exactly know where we're going.

I keep worrying, and it's basically for no reason because there's nothing dangerous and risky about possibly going into another country with people you have yet to meet and someone who you've only known properly for an hour, right?

Right?

Yes, it's risky, but I am risky. Maybe even the definition of risky. 

But not this risky. 

I could do it- I could go to my phone right now and tell him I've changed my mind.

But if I do that, he won't hang out with me anymore, and I will probably never see him again.

if I do choose to go on this trip, maybe he'll want to hang out more?

I mumble my thoughts out like some schoolgirl worrying about her crush.

But Phil's not my crush. I don't even like him.

But I do like his eyes, his smile, his tiny little smirk, the way he sticks his tongue out when he laughs. 

I slam my fist down on my sink. "You're not gay, Dan!" I yell at myself. My eyes appear darker and not as light as they were yesterday. I yearn for the light brown, the honey-colored irises that were mine just hours ago.

I almost feel as if these are not my real eyes; as if my real eyes are the honey-accented eyes that appeared to me in the mirror when I was at Phil's house.

I pop a pill bottle open, and take 3 of the ones labeled 'yes?' in print. I feel okay at first, but then parts of my bathroom start dragging themselves where they shouldn't be. I do feel a bit lightheaded, but at this point, I don't even care what I am.

I actually hope I end up dead tomorrow morning, just so I don't have to think about it any further.

--

I wake up in shock, as if something heavy is on my chest. I gasp for air, and realize it's nothing.

I look around in horror, but my room is empty. I feel a bead of sweat run down my forehead, and at first I'm scared  by it, but then I don't really mind it because of the ongoing silence. 

It's quiet except for my heavy breathing and shuffling of my bed sheets every so often.

silence.

even more of that, for a few minutes on.

I get startled by my phone ringing next to me. I pick up, and am greeted with a warm voice in my right ear. "Hey, Dan. I just wanted to know if you're still coming?' he says as I get out of bed and walk into my kitchen. "Oh. Yeah sure." I say, shoving a handful of cereal into my mouth.