Dead without you ~ stucky

Chapter 5: food and memories

"Dinner has arrived," Wilson announces in a cheeky tone.

He carries first one tray inside, and then another, which he places on the nightstand next to my bed. A quick look tells me it's meat, potatoes and carrots. It's rare for me to get real food. Missions seldom last long enough for me get physically hungry. Wilson settles down in his chair and starts eating, occasionally criticizing the taste or portion size for being too small. I ignore him and look at Steve instead. It frustrates me that I'm not allowed to sit with him.

"You need to eat too. It's not that good, I give you that, but it will keep your energy level up."

He inclines his head toward the food on the nightstand and gives me an admonishing look. I briefly consider objecting, since I'm not hungry, but I have no idea when – and if – they plan on feeding me again, so eating now makes sense. I manage to sit up, rest my back against the wall, and slide the tray onto my lap using my left arm. That damn cast is getting in the way and I'm limited to the use of my left arm. That cast goes the first chance I get to smash it. The sling also inconveniences me, but I have to play along for now. Chewing is something I need to get used to again and actually having food in my mouth is odd. The taste and smell of it is another novel experience. Was there a time in my life when it was normal for me to eat regularly?

"You look freaked out," Wilson states with a frown on his face. "Care to tell me why?"

It's not a direct order, more like a question, and I'll probably get away with not answering it, but I decide to humor him. I might need his help in the future.

"I'm seldom long enough out of cryo to enjoy food." That's as far as I'm willing to go.

His frown deepens. "You do realize you're no longer with Hydra, do you? Fury works for an organization called Shield and Steve here... He's pretty much his own man. Hydra no longer dictates your actions."

"For now," I finish. "Do you really think they'll let me get away that easily?" And once they capture me, the punishment will be horrible. I failed to find my way back to them. I hesitated on that river side. I rather took care of the enemy than find my handlers. Hydra will find out; they have their methods and it always involves pain.

"Let's talk about Hydra later. Finish your dinner first," Wilson says rather pensively. "No need to worry about Hydra just yet."

He's a fool if he really thinks that, but I don't tell him that. I finish the meal and place the empty plate back on the nightstand. I wish Steve would finally wake up. It frustrates me that I'm so far away. Maybe I should try swaying Wilson. I can try...

"Can I sit with him?" Wilson, who's putting the trays outside stays quiet for a moment. Watching him makes me realize that there is at least one armed guard in the corridor. I reckon there are several more, just hidden from view.

"You finished your meal, check. You rested, check. You're even behaving and not trying to kill me, check."

Oh, yes, I did try to kill him. I didn't want to, but Hydra's orders overrode my personality.

"I AM sorry about that. I didn't mean to hurt you." Apologizing is the least I can do, not that it will mean much to him, but at least I got it off my chest.

"How does it work?" Wilson sits down on the windowsill and looks me in the eye. "How does Hydra do it? How do they turn you into the Winter Soldier?"

Words can't describe my relief at realizing he knows the difference between me and Hydra's Winter Soldier. I never thought anyone would make the distinction. Being two people at once often drives me to despair.

"Hydra has their methods; one of them is conditioning, they wipe your mind and fuck up your brain. When you wake up, the 'you' is gone. It's just him and he does whatever Hydra tells him." I hope it makes sense to him. I don't know how to explain it. I don't want to think about it to begin with. Just remembering it brings back the pain. Some of that must be showing on my face, because Wilson's expression changes.