How to Disappear Completely | Joshler

Chapter One | Insignificant

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Tyler felt a strange urge to jump off the bridge he was standing on. Not because he wanted to die, but because he wondered what would happen if he did. How would his family react? Who would cry at his funeral? Who would even show up?

However, Tyler knew that if he did jump, there would be no way of him knowing what would happen next because obviously he wouldn't be around to see it. So Tyler ignored the urge and continued walking as if nothing had happened.

Those were the kind of thoughts that ran around Tyler's head at night - evil, cynical and sometimes, extremely dangerous. Tyler describes it as if there's an endless amount of crows aggressively flying, attempting to escape his skull. The only way they can be freed is if Tyler opens his mouth to sing or read aloud some of his poetry. That's primarily the reason why Tyler makes music. It helps him fight whatever is going on in his head.

Tyler's scared that one day his thoughts will kill him. After all, that is his biggest fear. Out of all the possible ways Tyler could die, that was his least favourite way to go. Mainly because he didn't want everyone to believe that his brain was messed up. Because that wasn't true. At least, that was what he thought.

Tyler had always thought his mind was beautiful.

Tyler looked down the bridge and at the water. It was black and it was glistening. He then looked upwards at the sky, which was also black and glistening. That confused him. He didn't know where the sky started. He couldn't distinguish whether he was staring at the stars or if he was staring at the reflection of the stars. This all made his head ache. All of a sudden, everything started spinning for him. He felt as if he was flying and he began to wonder if gravity had stopped working.

That was when Tyler saw it. He imagined his tiny body floating in space, all alone and small and insignificant. He felt as if something larger than himself was consuming him. He felt as if he was slowly disappearing.

That was his second fear, space, specifically: being alone in space. Something about the vastness and the uncertainty of the universe terrified him.

"Tyler!" a gravelly voice called out, interrupting his thoughts.

"Yeah?" Tyler somehow managed to croak out.

"Are you coming?" asked a man behind a camera.

"Um, I think I'll stay here a little longer. Don't worry about me; I'll get myself a ride home." Tyler answered, his head still aching.

The man had a puzzled look on his face. "Suit yourself." he said as he packed his camera gear in his car and drove off.

The two had just finished working on a video. It consisted of Tyler reciting a poem he had written ages ago. That poem was one of his favourites. He was even thinking of making it into a song someday. The only thing stopping him is his insecurities. 'My poems are awful,' he thought, 'Who would ever listen to this if it were a song?' 'Is this even relatable?' 'Death inspires me like a dog inspires a rabbit, what does that even mean? It sounded better in my head.'

He sighed, suddenly regretting his decision of having not gone with the man. At least then, he would have had someone to distract him from his thoughts.