Until you were gone

9. Eyes shut

Eyes shut by Years & years
And a picture of Ana played by Sarah Hyland both up top

~

...shit

Fuck. Fucking shit. Fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck.

That night I had slept for about an hour before waking up in shock with a panicked feeling in my chest. Thereafter I entered into a staring match with my lilac coloured wall. What the hell had I just done?

Various memories came rushing back to me and I dropped my head in shame, cradling it within my arms. Aj...Ryder...Reagan...Jase. I searched the bed around me in a frenzy, trying desperately to locate my phone. Finally after practically turning my sheets upside down I stumbled upon my over-turned phone at the foot of my bed. I grabbed my charger and jammed it in, pressing down hard on the lock key and holding my breath in anticipation of the onslaught I was surely about to receive. The screen lit up and I cowered away shielding my eyes. After the brightness was successfully changed to the lowest possible setting I frantically checked my notifications, zoning in on one in particular: 2 new messages from Jase. Suddenly I couldn't breathe and it had nothing to do with the fact I had held my breath for so long that I had deprived my body of way too much oxygen. He knew. He had to know, why else would he message me? I tapped at the notification with my eyes shut and tried to slow my heart rate, unsuccessfully.

Jase: you hooked up with Aj?😂

Jase: you hooked up with my best mate

Jase: fuck you

And just like that, my heart slowed right down to a stop, or at least that's what it felt like. Why he cared I didn't know but what I had done just felt wrong, all of it. I felt an immense amount of guilt that I couldn't quite place and I racked my brain for an appropriate response. I still felt slightly tipsy and was sure that if I had tried to take a walk, luck would not have been in my favour.

Nikki: I'm sorry

Nikki: Jason I'm so so sorry

Jase: ya fuck you

Nikki: Gosh Jase I was drunk out of my mind. I still feel tipsy

Nikki: I just i didn't know what to do

Jase: whatever

Oh boy that went well

I chucked my phone to the side and sunk down into my covers.

At least he didn't know about Ryder and he wasnt about to find out if it was up to me. Fortunately as far as I knew Ryder had kept his word and not told anyone but then again secrets had a nasty way of getting out.

I ended up tossing and turning for the remainder of the night and when the sun finally rose to its peak I was the happiest if ever been to see the afternoon sun. I was, usually, more of a night crawler myself. I made my way out of bed and to the bathroom for a much needed full body and face scrubbing. Once my business was done i managed to relocate my appetite in the kitchen with delicious bowel of coco puffs.
Along the way I had grabbed my phone but had yet to unlock it. Jase was the kinda guy who only started conversations when he "felt like it" and so I was prompted to text him first this time so as to find some clarity and there was one question that seemed to be bugging me the most.

17th January

Nikki (to Jase): just tell me one thing
Nikki: why exactly are you so angry?