life's rain // bruno mars

chapter thirty

Chapter thirty

Lena died, then. 

I carried her out of the alley, her body limp in my arms, meeting the ambulance halfway that was unable to get through the traffic. Phil yelled and screamed at them that he was the one who had called them in the first place. The paramedics swarmed around me like insects with hungry yet saving arms and I was scared to let her go at first until Phil put a hand on my shoulder and said, “You have to let her go, man.” And I did. I let her go. They pulled her away from me and lifted her onto a stretcher. Inside the ambulance, they worked on her. She was soon in critical care, and I was forced to wait in a small waiting room with Phil.

But only when I emerged from the bathroom, having washed Lena's blood from my hands and face, watched the reddish water of her life flow down a rusty hospital drain, did they pronounce her dead.

I knew it already, that she was gone. Her eyes that could outshine all of L.A.'s city lights put together had shut down on me. I fumbled for my phone in my pocket, called Stephanie. She had screamed, and cried, and cursed in Spanish before saying she was on her way. I looked at Phil. His face was contorted in that kind of fear you feel when you don't know what to expect next. “Her eyes were shutting,” I told him.

“I'm sorry.”

“I held her. . .” I tried saying. Everything inside me had long collapsed. “I watched her die.” And I couldn't do anything about it.

“I'm sorry,” he repeated, slinking down further in his chair. 

“What am I going to do, Phil?” I whispered, leaning my head against the wall. He didn't answer. He didn't have one.

When Stephanie arrived, she told me she called Lena's mom and she was on her way. We were allowed in the room to see Lena. They had cleaned her up and a thin, white sheet was over her, as if she were sleeping. The doctor was there. He said, “We couldn't stop the bleeding in time. The bullets hit two major organs: the stomach and liver. I'm truly sorry for your loss.” And he really did look sorry, even the officer who was there, talking to us, the deep lines engraved in his face held his sympathy. I told him everything I knew and so did Stephanie, who could barely talk. It was unbearable. I walked out. I couldn't take Stephanie's bawling, didn't want to encounter Lena's mom or see Lena there, just lying in the bed, silent.

Forever silent.

Phil and I went to my house. He had drove my car to the hospital while I rode in the ambulance, pretending to be Lena's cousin. They knew I was lying but let me ride anyway. Phil said he'll sleep on the couch. I think he wanted to keep his eyes on me, just in case I did something stupid.

That night, I left my window unlocked, just in case Lena wanted to knock on it.

*

I had woke up with a start. My heart racing. I had dreamed of that cliff again, of Lena falling.

I dragged myself to the kitchen. Phil and Eric were talking in low voices. When I appeared at the entrance, they silenced. Eric looked at me with a deep sympathy in his eyes. “I'm so sorry, Bruno,” he said. “I knew how much you loved her. I've never seen you so crazy about a girl and I'm—I'm just, sorry man.” He and Phil hugged me while I broke. It wasn't that sad sobbing cry you do when something tragic happens, it was one full of anger and rage and  it made my ribs sore. She left me. How do I go on. Ray took her away from me. If I find him I will kill him.

*

The next few days were just as unbearable. All of it. I had to go to New York for two days, and when I got there I couldn't stop thinking of how Lena was supposed to be by my side. I kept picking up my phone and wanting to call her. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. One night in my hotel room, I talked to Lena's mom, Lisa. Her voice was shaky, but had a softness to it, like Lena's. I realized then I would never get to hear Lena's voice again, and wanted to hang up, to wallow in my grief. But I kept listening to her mom. She told me that Ray had turned himself in, and now he was in Los Angeles County Prison. She told me Lena's funeral would be on Saturday. Just two days before Christmas.