Unbalanced Minds

Vociferous Bliss

Go all the way with it. For once, go all the goddamn way with what matters.

- e.h /

The keyboards chords soar and sway rhythmically in the air. Daren's voice is clear and passionate. He leads us in song to 'Mad World' eyes closed in concentration. He's passionate about what he does, I think.  I look around me, broken faces, scarred bodies physically and metaphorically. We're all drowning under our own individual sorrows. In this moment, this very moment, we sing. Damaged souls raising timid voices to the vast abyss that is the universe. An s.o.s, in the hopes the stars hear our plea. This song may be mediocre but with the sounds and melodious rhythms Daren's skilled fingers create along with our emotional wrought voices - transports us to a different place. A happier place, a place where the music is allowed in our high walls, disarming us. Washing over us. Taking head of our respective problems, understanding. Music is a medicine, the best I ever saw. It heals faster than any pill can,  seeping all over the soul, filling the deep fissures within the heart. It's evidently noticeable, I can see it in their faces.

When the song ends,  so does the spell. We are left in brief jarring silence, in which we blink slowly, as if awakening from a whimsically strange dream. We collect ourselves - all at once our troubles pressing more heavily upon us. Than the next song from Daren's selection begins, Bohemian Rhapsody. We look around confused and uncomfortable, yet Daren's voice coaxes us to participate. To Hell with it,   I hear others start to sing along and something in me snaps. I begin to sing, gradually my voice builds along with the fast paced song, and swells within the chorus -  it's both terrifying and freeing simultaneously. All around me I can hear kids gaining confidence and throwing themselves with a care-free air into the rhythmical cacophonous din. Blue begins to sway and I join in her laughter, I don't know how but suddenly we've broken into parts. Some kids singing the chorus others singing the melody. I recognize the look of pure enjoyment in everyone's faces - I imagine my eyes hold the same luster.

When the song ends, we are not left in a mind numbing silence, but a joyous laughter. Mirth heavy in the air. Blue is smiling from ear to ear and so am I, we laugh so hard our ribs hurt as well as our faces.  Daren is smiling too. It must mean a lot to him as a musical therapist, to have drawn us out of our heads and into the music. His music, solicited a smile from every single one of us. I can't even remember the last time I smiled much less laughed. If I were a musical therapist that would be enough to make my day. All too soon it's time for dinner and the session comes to a close.

"Alright guys, that's it for today. Thank you for your participation! you should be really proud of yourselves, "

"It's not easy to just let go and allow yourself to get lost in the music. Singing and listening to music are great coping skills, might not be for everyone - but if it's for you, that's great! don't forget about it. It's one of those things that will always be there for you."

A nurse opens the door,  we begin to file out. We hand Daren the sheet's of lyrics we used for the session, thanking him in turn as we leave. Some of the kids break off from the group to go see their respective visitors or make/receive phone calls. My good spirits dissipate as my thoughts are pulled to thinking of her. Guilt claws at me, if I really want to get out of here and do good for myself. I have to work with her, forgive her. My pride be damned. All of this 'recovering' I'm doing won't mean shit if I don't make amends with her. She's my guardian after all, if we don't work together all of this will be undone within a week of my return. All this is my logic speaking, yet emotionally I'm devious. I can't forgive. I'm a cynic. I won't forge an alliance with her. The millisecond I'm eighteen I'll leave her and make myself a place in the world. Without her. I go back and forth between the logical morally correct thing to do and the selfish pridefully wrong thing to do. I pinch the bridge of my nose taking a deep breath. I'll sort this out later. Meanwhile I have a tasteless meal to consume.