The hug was painful. It wasn't that he held me too tight, or the way his chin had pressed into my shoulder. It felt like he was wringing the life out of my heart. Teasing me. You can touch, but you can't have. I wanted to make him stay, I wanted to dig my nails into the tender flesh of his shoulder blades and hold him against me, just for a while, just until the ache in my chest went away. But I knew I couldn't. With reddened cheeks, and slightly stinging eyes, I pulled back. He seemed surprised, but he accepted my silent rejection. Never would I admit it, but physical affection sent me reeling. When I'd be overwhelmed, or scared, Bianca used to hold me and rock me back and forth. It was how I coped, and ever since she was gone, I'd just been alone.
"I..I gotta go..." My head ached from thinking, by chest burned as my heart dug at my rips and gnawed at the skin of my chest. I wanted more, I wanted to hug him and kiss him and...gods, I hated these feelings, these impulses. He was straight, and I was not. And I had such a hard fucking time accepting that, really. Thinking about my sexuality just made me want to curl up and not face the world. I felt unnatural, I felt wrong.
"Oh, uh, aight." He said, with a curt nod. I could've sworn there was a hint of longing in his voice, just a tinge of hope simmering out like a flame pinched by dampened fingers. Gods only know what he was feeling though, and I was left to wonder. We brushed shoulders as I left, and my heart fluttered as I sunk further into myself over that stupid, beautiful boy.
* * *
I stayed cooped up in my cabin until Jason came to get me. I didn't like participating in camp activities when I could avoid it. Brooding was much more my speed. But I spent my hours listening to the music I'd downloaded on the mp3 player I'd snuck into camp. Now, you may be thinking that's risky, but hear me out; I'm a Hades child. Monsters are twice as likely to sniff me out anyway, so what the hell?
I wasn't scared of monsters, anyway. Real ones, at leasy. I knew how to get rid of them, quick and easy, make them dissipate in a shower of golden dandruff or whatever the hell that dust was. But there were some monsters that scared me. The ones that lurked in the corners of your mind and crept out in the early hours to whisper in your ears and cradle your head in their hands, and bring back all the memories of pain and suffering they could find. Those, I couldn't get rid of. No wonder I have dark circles.
Enough about that, though. I've been edgy long enough. When Jason knocked on my door, I hopped off my bunk, reluctantly opening the door to be greated by a familiar smile. One with shining teeth and a scar on his lip. I looked at him with my usual deadpan expression, as smiling just wasn't my style. Grace seemed to have a minor obsession with me ever since my confession. He knew I liked Percy, and I wasn't sure how to feel about it. It was nice to have it off my chest, but at the same time, could I really trust him? Piper could always charmspeak the secrets out of him, or he could blab it out amongst him and fish boy's bromance, or...ugh. I was just a little paranoid.
"Ready for dinner?" He asked, and I opened the door a smidge more with a nod, before slipping through it and shutting the door. I never let people see inside me cabin. I liked to keep that air of mystery, you know? I...might let Percy see. If he ever wanted to visit or something. Yeah. No homo.
I stuffed my hands in my pockets, which held a tube of mints and a small pocket knife for special occasions. The walk to the mess hall was filled with painful small talk, most of which I just grunted in response to. I couldn't be bothered to exert the energy needed to talk. I was constantly on the verge of passing out from exhaustion anyway. Insomnia could be a real bitch.
The mess hall was exactly how I expected it to be. Messy.
The Hermes kids had taken to doing spit takes in each other's faces. The Apollo kids gossiped amongst themselves, sharing a little bit of juicy news with the Aphrodite kids as well. Athena kids sat solemnly, and I could swear I saw a blue print sprawled on the table. Not surprising.
Lastly, I looked at my table. Which was inhabited by Percy, Piper, Annabeth, and now Jason, who'd made his way over and sat down. I don't know why I expected anything fancy, I should've known this was just a ploy to get me in this hellish cafeteria. It was so loud, it rather be in Tartarus. They all had their trays already, and I saw an extra one, right between Jason and Percy. Great, I get to sit between the two biggest nerds in the camp.
I couldn't complain, though. Not really. I just quietly paced over and slipped into my seat. In my cup, I requested Dr.Pepper, and I was quite pleased as I lifted the much-too-fancy glass to my lips. As I did, I may have subtly checked Jackson out out of the corner of my eyes. He dressed himself decently enough, I mean, his jeans weren't ripped and his shirt wasn't wrinkled. He reeked of body spray though. Probably to cover up the nervous sweating he was doing, it was made obvious by the bead of sweat hanging to the side of his tanner forehead.
"Soooo..." he began, sliding his palms along the table for emphasis. Jason scooted closer to Piper, an arm sneaking around his waist, and I could see a hint of jealousy in Annabeth's eyes. Had Percy been refraining from touching her? Was she that depraved? I had no idea. I can only analyze people so much.
"So, what, seaweed brain?" She said, and I could hear irritation seeping through her tone. One of her hands glided over the table and grabbed Percy's in an almost possessive manner. My gut twisted with envy.
"Annabeth, look." He said, and I watched him pull his hand away and place it in his lap, a little awkwardly. "I...ugh. Don't...don't get mad, please." He seemed scared, almost, and I honestly felt so awful for him. I hated seeing him like this, uncomfortable and stuck. I wanted to take him out to the dock, help him get some fresh air. But...at the moment, that'd just be hella weird.
"I know we've been together for a long time, and it's...it's been good, don't get me wrong. But this just...its not working for me anymore."
Piper's eyes widened, I saw, and Jason was clearly gritting his teeth. Both of them looked like they wanted to get up and leave. Annabeth, well, she just looked absolutely incredulous. There was a moment of silence, and I saw her breath in deeply, before speaking calmly.
"Percy, outside. Now."
Fear. Fear hit his expression like a bus, it was obvious. I swallowed hard, poking my food with my fork.
"O..okay."
She grabbed his hand, and they were gone.
