My popular secret

Chapter 12-Facing reality

It's been about 5 days since my incident.

And I'm still in hosptial.

A lot of family have been visiting this past week. I don't usually get this many visitors.
Grandparents, cousins and all sorts have come down.
My mum hasn't left my side. I tell her I'm 17, and she can go home to get a break from the depressing hosptial if she wants.
But she remains by my side. No matter what.

And to be honest I am really glad she has.

I woke up this morning, still feeling very drowsy.
"Mum..."I said.
"Yes darling, yes I'm here, are you okay." She jumps up quickly and rushes to my bedside.
"I just wanted some water."
"Yes, yes of course. " she pours me a glass of water and gently holds it in front of my face as I sip it down.

I'm literally having to be hand fed. I'm still scared they're going to have to put a tube down me. Because I can't eat properly. I don't know if it's from my incident, or just because the cancers tearing me from the inside out.

"How you feeling today Bella?" My mum says as she flops her head onto my hand, just trying to do whatever it takes to comfort me.
"Better... I think... I'm, I'm still very drowsy, and things still seem quite blurry."
"You haven't thrown up yet... so maybe that's a good sign."
"Maybe..."

My oncologist, Dr Adam comes through the door, looking his usual unhappy-self.

"How are we Bella? Feeling any better today?"
"Sure." I say. Because I don't want to lie, but I just want to go home. But then I guess my whole life has been a whole lie to a lot of people. And only now am I really starting to regret my choices.

"How's the stomach, have you been able to eat anything today?" He asks quite seriously.
"She's tried, but she always seems to vomit it back up again." My mum says, with almost tears in her eyes. I squeeze hold of her hand, closer. For reassurance that I am okay.
"Right... okay. I'm just going to check your vitals now Bella." He first checks around my stomach where the new stitches are placed.
"It all looks like it's healing very well under here. But I'm still concerned her blood counts are too low, and her temperature is a lot higher than I'd like. I think she's developing a fever."
"When do you think she can go home?" My mum asks with desperation in her eyes.
"Oh Bella you'll be needing to stay with us for a little while longer."
"But I'm already sick!" I interrupt. "There's nothing more you can do to help me. I'm going to be sick wether I'm in hosptial or I'm not."
"Bella," he leans in closer to me and uses his more sympathetic tone of voice "I know you're currently not well. But you are on a very promising dose of chemo at the moment, we've just got to wait to see if it's going to get rid of the cancer."
"I've been waiting... for 12 years. To see if it will 'cure' my cancer. I... I don't know how much more I can go through."
"Bella don't say that!" My mum shouts in shock. "You can't give up now, you've come so far, you've still got so much life to live."
"Mum it's okay." I interupt before she bursts in to tears. "I'm not giving up. But I can't ignore how I feel anymore mum." I let out a small tear, and my voice goes shaky. "I'm just... I'm not well mum. Anyone can see it. Do you think I would have had all these visitors if they didn't believe I was dying."
"Bella please stop saying you're dying... I hate it when you say that."
"Bella I want you to understand that you're not dying. " says the doctor. "Alright, now you're just going through a stressful time, your emotions will be all up in the air. I'm sure things will perk up soon. Now get some rest. You need it. I'll be in again this afternoon to check on your condition. "

My mum just looks at me with her puppy dog eyes.
I just done want to do anymore talking today.
So I wipe the tears off of her face, and lie down, facing the other way.

I seem to be the only person here who is actually facing the truth right now. And I'm usually the one who's always trying to push the reality aside.