cemetery ☞ n.m

iii

"i try not to come here often,"

anna-marie kneels down to the grave before her, reading the name engraved onto the tombstone;

Samuel Wilkinson
1995-2016

crosses her legs as she sits in the dirt, not caring if it got her clothing dirty.

she let out a breath, pulling a few tresses of hair behind her ear. eyeing the grave again.

"i know you hate it when i'm out alone at this hour. but i don't want anyone to know i'm here." she shrugs, adjusting herself to the spot on the ground. "but i'll be fine."

she went on and proceeded to talk about how things have been going since he left her, saying that everything would be better if he were there every once in a while. it was no secret that she misses him.

she spoke lowly, afraid that if she'd spoken any louder people who were walking by would hear her and think she's crazy or something. she wasn't crazy; she knows that.

"your mom misses you," she says, smiling to herself. "she showed me some of your old baby pictures, you know, the ones you never wanted me to see?" she chuckles, itching her eyebrow. "i know you would be extremely angry right now, but you were cute. you still are."

she remained silent for a few moments, being sure that she wasn't going insane. she loved sammy like no one would ever know. and even though she knows that it isn't wrong to continue loving him, she can't help but feel off.

"i haven't been myself. we both know that."

she huffs again, lifting up a leaf that had fallen from the tree that hung over his grave. she smiles after remembering sammy's undying love for the fall, and leaves. he said that leaves had a metaphor to them. but he never told anna-marie what that metaphor was.

she looks away from the tombstone for a moment, looking up to the dark sky that was illuminated by the
silver moon.

she tries to remember the last things he said to her, their last conversation. she smiles at the thought, reminiscing over his words;

"i don't think you get it." he chuckles, twirling her hair in between his fingers whilst taking another drag on his cigarette.

"oh, i do." she smirks. trying to push him away, but fails. he laughs at her lack of strength, as she playfully smacks his chest. "you're just so stupid that you don't realize that i do." he'd told her that he loved her about five times that night, and no matter how many times she responded 'i know, and i love you too', he thought that she never seemed to understand how undying his affection for her was. he loved every inch of her, even the parts he couldn't see.

"what did i ever do to deserve you?" he whispers as their laughs die down.

she smiles, lifting her head off his chest and taking the cigarette out of his hand and flicking it to the ground beneath them. she runs her fingers through his hair and pecks his lips.

"you accepted me."

anna-marie flinches, suddenly feeling a tear trickle down her cheek and drip off her chin, falling down and landing on her dark jeans. she quickly wiped her cheek with the back of her hand, rubbing her temple.

about four years prior, anna-marie had been diagnosed with having an anxiety disorder. she'd been getting all the help that anyone could ever think of - therapy, meditation sessions, antidepressant medications - but nothing worked. having his disorder also caused for her to feel unwanted, and often thought she had no purpose. then sammy came along.

she'd met sammy about a year later. they had became friends quite easily and half of the time anna-marie figured that he was only friends with her because he felt pitiful. he did just about everything to prove to her that she meant way more to him than she thought.

one night he had snuck out of his house and went to hers. she'd recently turned eighteen and he wanted to celebrate with her. they took two of her parents' vodka glasses and snuck up on her roof, talking about everything and anything as they drank sip by sip. they'd done this quite often after that. they spilled themselves out to each other; and that made them both happy.

anna-marie smiles, remembering the morning that he'd taken her to her doctor. and the amount of happiness that fulfilled her body when she was told that she's recovered from her anxiety disorder.

after that, sammy had continuously informed her that she did have a purpose, and that she had a place in the chaotic place that they lived in. but the earth wasn't his world; she was.

"you kept me sane," she sniffles, batting her eyes at the tombstone again. "you were the reason why i felt that i had a purpose." she chuckles to herself.

"now you're the reason why i know i don't."