One Breath At A Time ( Tom HIddleston)

Chapter 8 Nothing Left

I dreamt he was here. Holding me so tight in his arms I was sure he wasn't ever letting go. I cried to him, telling him what happened and that I thought he was dead. He just smiled, kissing the tip of my nose with the most featherlight of touches. He crawled into bed with me, holding me tight, quoting Shakespeare in my ear. He brushed the hair from my face, cleaning my cheeks free of tears and looked down at me with all the love in the world glowing from his eyes. He was about to say something when he started disappearing. Like he completely evaporated in my arms, and I was left grasping at thin air in the dark. I woke up feeling crushed, heartbroken all over again. Ben was still sleeping on the couch, looking ages older and my heart went out to him. I want to find the right words to say to him, to take the hurt away that I know he's feeling but I have nothing. Nothing hopeful or reassuring so say so I won't say anything. What can you say to someone who has lost a friend or a lover? Nothing. There's nothing in the English language that can make a difference when the grief is this strong. Not when your whole world has been lost. Your hopes and dreams shattered in one freak moment. On top of that I still haven't heard from Luke. I wonder if that's a good thing? I don't want to get my hopes but can I possibly hurt more than I already do? Is there something about this pain where it's numb? Where I don't have to feel the soul crushing sadness that's infected this house. I want to go back to my dream where Tom is here, holding me close, whispering everything I need to hear. I need him to hold me, to chase away all the bad feelings and sadness. I want to feel hid breath upon my cheek, the whisper of a kiss. I want so feel something other then this or I will go mad. I need Tom.

I closed my eyes as my heart throbbed brokenly, each shard stabbing deeper and deeper. Slipping his robe off I walked out of the room, headed towards the phone to make sure there was no missed calls. I knew there wasn't but I wasn't taking any chances. Ben wasn't on the couch where I had left him and I looked around. My heart picked up as I didn't see him in the kitchen or the living room. I calmed down significantly as I spotted his shoes and coat by the door still. Cocking my head to the side I head the shower running, letting out a relieved sigh as I realized he was in there. Making some teas I looked around, seeing the living room clean and Tom's desk organized once again. He must have cleaned everything up after my freak out. Reminding myself to thank him I sat at the table, hoping the tea would settle me down just enough to be able to think. Ben came out a bit later, sitting across me from and looking a touch better then before. Sliding a cup to him I managed a ghost of a smile at him.

"Thank you." He motioned to the tea, sounding more awake then he had been all day.

"How long did I sleep? I asked, looking for the clock and shocked to see it was only 6.

"Only 45 minutes."

"Seems like it's been so long. Thanks for cleaning up and I'm sorry about that." I apologized, motioning behind me towards the desk, feeling embarrassed at my tantrum.

"It's fine. I just want to be here. I don't want to be alone either."

"I know you lost a friend too Ben. I wish I could help you."

Reaching across the table I slid my hand into his, squeezing it tightly, tears springing to my eyes. Wiping them away I let go, bringing my hand to touch the letter in my pocket. We sat in silence, waiting for the phone to ring. We both knew what would happen once we got that call, the odds stacked against us in the particular situation. So when the phone ran our eyes locked and we stayed frozen, this moment burned into our souls forever. I knew I must have looked the same, the fear and the slight burning of hope in my eyes as I stood, walking over and answering the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hello Bri." Luke's voice filled my ear.

In those two simple words I heard everything he didn't want to say and everything I didn't want to hear. Turning I found Ben's eyes, waiting, still carrying that hope and I gripped the edge of the table till the skin on my knuckles turned white.

"He was on the plane wasn't he?"

"I'm so sorry Bri. They found his ticket and it was confirmed he checked onto the flight." Luke murmured, his own voice sounding thick with emotions.

"Please no."

I couldn't hear what he was saying, the sound of my heart thudding uncontrollably in my ears drowning out everything. I felt hands holding me up and pulling the phone away from me. Clutching at the arm around me I held it, the only solid thing in the world. I couldn't seem to breath, each breath rasping shallowly and suddenly I was forced to the ground. There was a hand on the back of my neck and I tried to fight it, but it was too strong. The hand forced my head down between my knees and I drew in a shaky breath, oxygen racing into my lungs. The pressure in my chest released and I took deep breaths till I could breath normally. I pushed against the hand when I felt a bit better. Letting go instantly, Ben crouched down in front of me, searching my face.

"Are you okay?" he asked, his face whiter then a sheet.

I shook m head, not able to even form a single word at the moment. Through the haze of utter devastation that we were in I heard a knock at the door. Ben walked towards it, almost in a stupor as he answered it. The other side woke us up quickly though as I saw flashes. Ben slammed the door immediately, locking it behind him. There were people crowded around our gate, shouting and taking pictures. The amount of emotions running through me was too much so I focused on one. Rage. Instantaneously it was like a red haze filled my eyes and I leapt to my feet. Moving towards the door I was ready to intent on ripping it open, ready to unload on everyone standing outside. As I lunged for the door Ben's arm was the only thing that was stopping me from yanking it open.

"Let me go." I snarled, struggling against him, needing to let loose.

"Not like this Bri. This is exactly what they want. A scandal. They want another piece of gossip and all you would end up being is another headline." He whispered, not wanting them to hear us through the door.

"It's because they're fucking vultures! He hasn't even been dead 24 hour! Have some respect!" I shrieked, cut off from any more as Ben clamped a hand over my mouth.

I struggled against him, feeling all the white hot rage that filled me fizzle out and the tears start all over again. It was real and my life was over. I wiggled my head, and immediately he removed his hand. Glancing down he stared, making sure I wasn't going to try make a break for the door again.

"I don't want this to be real. I'm so tired, I just want to go to bed." I groaned, covering my aching eyes with the heels of my hands.

"Go to sleep then. I'll handle everything out here. Better yet I'll get Luke to deal with it." He motioned with his hand, picking up the phone with the other.

I gave him a watery smile and made my way into the bedroom, even though it was only 9 in the evening. Not bothering to change or anything I crawled into be, on Tom's side. Wrapping myself in the robe I laid there, head buried in the pillow, humming to myself.

"I won't shed a tear, just as long as you stand, stand by me..."

Tݧ