I miss him
so much it hurts
will this pain ever go away?
i'm trying not to think about it all but
no matter how hard i try to distract myself
nothing makes me feel better
eventually it'll get easier and the aching will hurt less
i promise
it's gonna take time
imagining that he's with me
and what he would say
sometimes it's like i can almost feel him
i don't wanna be done
i don't want this to be over because when this is over i have to admit that
he's gone
forever
i'm not ready
i need him
i can't do this without him
i can't live without him
It was the summer before my junior year. I was happy, free with my new accomplishment of my drivers license. My best friend and boyfriend Quin always by my side.
"I'll love you forever," Quin told me.
"I love you too," i replied.
Quin had just recently graduated, we were going on three months. My family's annual 4th of July get away was finally here. Quin kissed my lips, hugging me as he slid his brand new white shoes on his feet. I watched as he walked out the door. I knew i wouldn't miss him.
An hour drive and we were there. My best friends greeted me with welcoming hugs and we agreed on getting the party started as soon as possible.
Me and El had been looking foreword to this week all year. Boys, alcohol, sun, and trouble. It was nice to get away from home. Quin was not rebellious at all, wouldn't even be alone with me at his own home. Quin didn't drink, didn't smoke, didn't swear, didn't miss a sunday of church, didn't believe in sex before marriage.
The straight whiskey burned my throat. i could've sworn i had more soda in my can before i dumped the whiskey in. my tummy was warm and our adventures started.
All day everyday of the week i had shaken off boys, "I have a Quin" i would tell them.
"it's a shame" they'd reply.
Friday night, El turned to me.
"Quin isn't right for you," she told me
I knew she was right. but he was all i had. my friends left me because of him. he was all i ever knew.
Sure i cared for him. but i didn't feel the same when he told me we would be married someday. i couldn't see a future with him but i didn't tell anyone.
Saturday night i'm watching El make out with her crush. Smiling to myself as his friends stroll around the corner with more alcohol.
We walked to tables, where all boys but one left me and El. El kisses him, and i watch. Wanting so desperately to feel what she's feeling. Excitement, fun, life.
I shouldn't have done it. The alcohol was the last push before my lips connected with the guys. My gut clenched.
I had just cheated.
i was quiet the rest of the night. I'd never tell him i promised myself. i'd never tell anyone.
"don't feel bad," El told me, "it's seriously going to be okay."
i nodded. Tears streamed silently, though El didn't notice.
I was the worst human on the planet at that moment. Though i wasn't happy with Quin, he treated me well. He deserved better.
That's when i knew it was over. I'd never be the same.
and it was all my fault.
