fighting for my sanity

Masks

I think when people say it will get better. They just say that to make them feel like they helped but what if it never gets better. That's what they don't understand. Just saying it will get better doesn't mean it will losing someone close to you or losing something important to your vary being it won't get better. The only way to make them feel better about trying to help is to say "I'm OK " but what does being ok really mean? To look ok ? To find a way to numb the pain? There is no true way to numb it it just stops stabbing you but it never numbs you still feel it it's just not hurting you right now. Their is also the mask something everyone uses at least once. We call it a smile I wear one everyday to hide how I truly feel. Everyone thinks that "oh they are just a happy silly go-lucky person they never felt sad ever they can take on anything thing we say or do to them because they will always be.............. happy". Every morning I wake up and have to instantly put on this mask that I'm ok and happy. Nothing can hurt me if I just pretend and keep this mask on and cover my feelings from the world of seeing eyes right? It works and it keeps everyone from asking and asking me that same stupid question " are you ok"? I can't tell you how many times I wanted to scream the real answer to that question but I can't. I-I just can't what would happen if I showed someone my emotions without the mask on? How would they react? What would they say? No I can never show anyone because if they get to close and they take what's left of my feelings of happiness I can never again fix my mask and then everyone would see. They would see all my pain all my sadness all my everything. My vary core of what I try to hide and hold in. Then the pity will start and I vary well might lose my sanity.