Lost and Found

Try

Do you ever feel like you're a husk? Like you have nothing in you but bones and flesh and even that is barely there. That is basically my life. I wake up, go to school, come home and then I sleep. Emily has taken over my little hangout spot because I have been checking every day and she is always there and now her gang comes there too. I know I'm being a coward about it but I honestly know it's just another one of her schemes to get under my skin. Like every time she text me I have to block and delete her new number.

I finish up the last two periods in silence, Alec lost in thought and me not even trying. If my brother didn't want to make things up with me then it's fine. It's been like that since the beginning of middle school. I would talk to Emily about it and how it hurt that he never acknowledged me at school. We used to be best friends and actual siblings that got along. Something in seventh grade changed him. I don't know what but it just did. Now it's our last year in high school before we go off to college and hopefully never see each other. I've learned to deal with it and I guess I'm too scared to open up that wound that I tried so hard to mend. I know that sounds really cheesy but it's true. It opens up whenever I see my dad practicing football with my brother on Sunday and my mom is in the kitchen cooking up dinner, and we look just like the picture perfect family. Times like those just make me smile as I slowly cry myself to sleep. My family is so perfect and here I am, just a sad excuse of a human, I can't do anything right besides follow instructions and being quiet.

The bell rings and I snap out of my thoughts as I pack my notebooks. I turn next to me and see that Alec already left. I don't know why but a there's a small ache in my heart, however small it is it still hurts. I'm getting way to close to that guy. I quickly zip up my bag then leave the class. I walk to my car but see that Emily and her psychos parked too close to my car. Since I parallel parked you can see the gist of what happened. I check my apple watch and see that I only have five minutes to catch my bus. Sighing I take out my phone and order an Uber. Emily and the rest of her followers snicker as they pass me to go to track practice. Yep, the popular girl also has a hot bod and all of her minions are on the team too. I won't lie, they are pretty good. We won states last year. So basically everyone sees her as this goddess and here I am leaning against a fence and waiting for my Uber. Ten minutes later my Uber comes and I get in. I hand the driver my black Amex card and tell him my address. Remember how I told you that my parents are rich? Yep they're that rich, that's why my brother brings sluts over sometimes and my mom kicks them out.

I plug my earbuds in and get out some math homework.

Twenty minutes later.......

I look out the window and see that we're pulling into my neighborhood. I put my things back and get ready to leave in about ten minutes. Saying that I live in the middle of nowhere, I still don't want him to awkwardly wait as I fumble and pack things up. I scroll through Pintrest looking at some clean memes unlike iFunny. The driver parks in front of my driveway and I thank him as I call the tow truck company.

I walk through the house talking on the phone when I go to my room and see my mom looking at my Box. I instantly freeze not even taking a step in my own room. That box has all of my notebook filled with all my thoughts including the my suicidal ones, along with my cutting blades, alcohol swabs to clean them, concealer and foundation to cover up the scars, and my sleeping pills that I had my doctor prescribed to me for my 'insomnia'.

"How did you find that?" I ask quietly.

"I was cleaning up the house," Mom says as she looks at the box with horror.

"How deep did you go in my closet?" I ask in a cold voice, pissed off that she dug through my closet.

"The back of your closet looked messy with all those sweatshirts piled up, when I hung them up there was a shoe box and the lid fell off as I was trying to stuff it under your clothes," she says slowly.

"I've been in the psych ward on suicide watch for a week at least three times a year for three years straight, but when you realize that I cut myself this alarms you?" I glare at her, "You know that dad saw me hang myself, you've found me overdosed, and yet this alarms you? I've tried killing myself but when I make a small purposeful cut that immediately makes you pay attention?" I say all of this as I walk over to the box laying on my neat made up bed.

I reach to grab it but she grabs my wrist and rolls up the sleeve. There are no scars because I make sure I don't cut deep enough. I just nick up and down my arms in different places so there's an easier excuse.

"Oh, a hang nail nicked my arm as I was getting a box from the basement. I was helping the seamstress at the local dry cleaner and she accidentally pricked me when she accidentally poked the needle in my arm instead of the pin cushion. 'Why would you be helping a seamstress? They might ask, because I needed the community service hours for my college resume I would reply coolly," I have a bunch more but you can hear those later.

"You have ignored my problem for how long?" I give her a cold glare.

She doesn't reply as her eyes quickly dart away from mine and look anywhere but at me.

"Three years, three years you have ignored how I was slowly dying on the inside. You ignored the fact that I would go weeks without eating dinner," I yank my wrist out of her grip and take the box back to my closet.

When I return I see her sitting on the bed playing with her giant wedding ring, while she begins to cry.

"No, you don't get to be sympathetic and pitiable for me. I've lived three years without your love and help so don't start now. If you want to try again then maybe start just saying a simple 'hi' or 'good morning' something small baby steps, so they become a healthy habit. Now leave my room and pull yourself together," I point towards the door.

She looks up and mouths 'I'm sorry' as her body is racking with giant sobs.

"Leave," I point to the door and grab my bag as I make my way to my desk.

She leaves silently, but before she closes the door she gives me one last look that I don't acknowledge and silently shuts the door.

HI! I don't think that Ellie is being too cold to her mom because her mom let this happened. I know you'll defend her and be like maybe she was ignoring the problem so Ellie could ignore it and maybe it would go away. News Flash ignoring problems do not make them go away. As a matter of fact they make them worse. I guess I have issues but that's just me. This is my first book on my second account. I have another account @fangirl302 I took down my first book because I felt like uh with it. Like it wasn't bad but it wasn't great. It was just like meh, you know what I'm saying? I'm going to work it out more and see what happens so wish me luck. This story connects to that story so that's why I mentioned it. I write this book as a sort of therapy for me so it depends on how I feel for when I update. Stay strong and live. xoxox