Handbook: What to Do if You Get Stuck in Vegas

Chapter 4: How to Kill Vegas Impersonators

"I can't believe you said that to Clark," scolds Rose, as I sit on her couch with my head held down. "And for cookies! You could have just asked me to bake you some." She keeps ranting.

But I can't tell her I said that to Clark the clerk because he was annoying the shit out of me, with the way he stared at Rose. Like she was something to lick or play around with. And a girl like Rose needs courting and charm, love and compliments...

Not a pat on the back after a great blowjob.

"Rose!" I interrupt. "Be thankful I didn't say more, what with the way he was looking at you."

"What way?" Rose questions, curious for information.

But I am saved when the elevator dings and in comes Denise.

I have never been happier to see a slut.

"Hey Rose," greets Denise, and when she looks at me, her voice is sultry. "Hey Drae." She purrs. I smile back awkwardly and wave.

"Hi Denise." I greet her just above a whisper, and I stare at her with wide eyes as she saunters over to me, swinging her hips.

Doesn't she realize she looks like a penguin that just sucked on a lemon?

However, she doesn't realize it, so she keeps walking over to me, and sits exactly next to me, on my right, seeing as Rose sits at my left.

Rose looks like she could stab her sister with a spoon and succeed.

I know by now Rose is jealous that Denise is flirting with me, even though I'd not only feel like a pedophile if I flirt back, I am not exactly into easy girls whose nose and eyes are slightly crooked. Oh, and with yellow teeth from smoking.

Also, that reminds me of Daemon and Charlotte.

Cue to shudder.

"What did you two do today?" then Denise notices the plate of cookies. "Apart of eating junk food?"

"Nothing much. Went to the movies, killed Lady Gaga, took a swim around the pool, ate more junk food and... went to a gas station," I say nonchalantly. "Ya know, the usual."

"You killed Lady Gaga?"

"Yeah, she tripped over my foot and her giant heel twisted her ankle. In that moment, a truck came by and she tried to run, but got landed in a ditch." I explain. However, Denise doesn't seem to believe me, and I am offended my imagination will be called a lie. "It is what happened in an alternate universe at least."

"How much of that was true?"

"Just the part of going to the gas station." Rose betrays me, alternating between glaring at me and Denise. Whoa, she's still mad at me for the cookie ordeal?

But Denise, oblivious to anyone but herself, snorts and stretches her legs in front of her.

"Well then, what did you two really do?"

"Went hiking, killed an Elvis Presley impersonator, got married in a Hawaiian-styled chapel, went to the bank, signed our wills, joined the mile-high club and went fishing."

"He's lying, isn't he?"

"Yeah, apart of going to the bank. We also had lunch."

I am deeply offended that Denise doesn't believe I did all that.

"Hey! I have joined the mile-high club!" I exclaim, earning a raised eyebrow. "I was 20 and you know, the stewardess was pretty hot, so..." both Rose and Denise look appalled, but Rose has a hint of pink on her cheeks.