Let me tell you a story about an average 13 year old girl who is depressed and slightly suicidal and her mother.
This girl, has never found it in herself that self acceptance is important. She never really cared, feeding off of everyone else's positive energy.
She is slowly finding the light at the end of the tunnel, per se.
She can finally eat a full meal without throwing it all back up. Sure her weight is fluctuating, but that's a good thing, right?
Wrong.
Today, this girl, was going about her own business. Everything was great. She got home and told her mom about the theater class she had after school.
But of course her mother wasn't impressed.
Telling her mom that she got a part in the play as an understudy should've been an easy.
Wrong again.
"how many black people are in the play?" her mother asked
"how many understudies?"
"how many lead parts?"
"why are you an understudy?"
"how did they decide on you being the understudy and not the girl who has the part?"
"I bet you weren't even good enough to be lead role"
The girl gives her the paper she needs to be signed, only to be degraded again.
"you only pull important papers out when it benefits you" her mother told her, rolling her eyes. Going on and on about how self centered she is, the mom finally stopped.
The girl was told to do lots of tasks before she got to relax.
Clean the bathroom:
Bathtub? Check
Sink? Check
Mirror? Check
Toilet? Check
Floor? Check
Rugs? Check
Hallways:
Vacuum? Check
Baseboards? Check
Doors? Check
Laundry room? Check
Stairs? Check
Doorframes? Check
Her room:
Bed? Check
Dresser? Check
Vacuum? Check
Trash? Check
Night stand? Check
Boxes? Check
Closet? Check
Baseboards? Check
Mirror? Check
Rug? Check
After almost three hours of cleaning, the girl realized she only ate a muffin and school lunch today.
After finishing, she went into her moms room and said, "hey, ma, I'm about to go downstairs and eat"
To which her mother replies "no your not. You need to finish your room"
"I am finished" the girl said, ready to go downstairs.
"yeah right" the mother said getting up and walking into the girl's room
"you still need to fold these boxes, this mirror is smeared, I see hair in this floor and you need to put your shoes up." that's list, might I add, went on for another 3 minutes before the mother stopped.
"if all of this isn't don't in the next 15 minutes, im throwing everything away, and returning your shoes" the mother finished.
Silently crying to herself, moving things hastily around her room, the girl in the panda one piece could hear her parents arguing about the situation, which makes her feel worse knowing that this argument was caused by her.
The girls dad was going on about her weight decrease since the past few weeks. The mother saying she doesn't deserve anything.
She just wanted to stop.
Stop the pain, stop the hurt, stop the arguments she had caused, stop the false belief she built herself up on.
She is hollow. She knows that.
She tried desperately to keep her head up and smile.
Smile even though she's sad and depressed.
Putting on the facade became easier
Smiling became harder.
She's lost
Seeing her reflection in the mirror and looking at all the scars she has reminds her of her past. What she wanted to escape from. But that's all in the past.
The light at the end of the tunnel is long gone.
There is no escape for this never ending hole of self doubt and the voices in her head echo through the walls that seem to be closing in
One day it will all just stop. And that day would be the complete end of the pain. The argument, doubt, and her.
One day she will end it all.
But when?
