dan
nothing.
nothing scared dan.
just nothing. air. emptiness.
the emptiness he felt in his stomach that he couldn't explain.
it scared him because he did not know how to make it go away. nothing made it go away. he just had to... wait.
the only thing that could take away that emptiness was emily.
but she wasn't around to help anymore, and this hurt dan more than it hurt anybody else.
he remembered when he got the news that she had killed herself.
how many times did i tell her i needed her? dan thought, why did she have to doubt me? maybe i should've proved it to her. if she had believed me, she'd be alive right now.
he still blamed himself. there wasn't a single day that went by in which he didn't think of her.
well he couldn't change that she was gone. and that the emptiness could stay in his stomach for hours on end, and nothing could stop it.
sometimes he'd eat, or use drugs. but he knew deep down that didn't really help. it just distracted him.
the isolated, lonely feeling stayed with him no matter how hard he tried.
sometimes the emptiness would stay for hours. the feeling of sadness out of nowhere and for no apparent reason, which could result in crying violently, self harm, drug use, anger attacks, stuff being broken, and one time a punch, a broken window and glass all over the wooden floor of his apartment.
he didn't really feel sad. or happy. he didn't really feel anything.
he knew it was sad that his girlfriend had died, he knew he was not okay, he knew he should be happy when good things happened to him. but he didn't really feel any of these things.
he didn't exactly feel numb. he felt nothing very strong. he would like to feel more. maybe his body was tired of feeling hurt. it could be some sort of a defense mechanism so he wouldn't feel done anymore. he still wanted to die or just disappear. but his feelings were so weak.
he knew he loved emily.
but did he express that love for her?
he knew he was happy that he had gotten a macbook for christmas, but he couldn't fucking express that.
he knew he was sad that he was absolutely alone, but could he express that?
these were just things he was aware of. he couldn't really, really feel them.
feelings, but not sentiments.
and he was desperate, fucking desperate to feel something.
something more real and strong than what he was able of feeling right now.
something besides an emptiness in the pit of his stomach.
but he had no hope of this changing.
what even could change that?
nothing.
that's what scared him.
nothing.
because he had no one. he had nothing to make him feel less empty.
would he ever feel again? something real?
he hoped so.
but he didn't really think he would.
unless something drastically changed in his life.
but that was just impossible.
he never left the house, he barely talked to anyone, he just listened to music. how could anything change in the slightest for him?
dan got out of bed, laughing at himself. at his stupid hopeful thoughts.
he grabbed a cigarette and looked at the view from his small apartment in manchester.
he watched as the smoke lifted up into the air and disappeared, like he wanted to do so bad at some points.
he exhaled once again, and closed his eyes whilst the words echoed around his mind.
nothing's going to change for you, dan.
nothing.
