- intense trigger warning -
dan's birthday was coming up.
phil hoped the boy would let go of his infantile little huff and just talk to him. dan had been ignoring him for the past few days and phil felt responsible for it, although also being angry. they had kissed. that took a lot of courage. and instead of saying something, at least that, dan just left.
and of course phil was upset. he paced around his house, hands on his head in distress, wondering what the hell he'd done wrong this time. he thought dan wanted to kiss him. of course not. that was so stupid of him. but still, the fact dan just ignored his attempts of contact? they could still be friends. and phil's fear of being left added to all of this so well, his hours of worrying, hoping dan wouldn't leave and then having to watch it actually happen before his own eyes.
he didn't know what to think. all he wanted to do, truly, was help the younger boy. he didn't seem very happy, and phil wanted to change that.
but no, of course that wouldn't work.
now phil sat on his bed holding dan's birthday gift for tomorrow and sighed. it was a cd. phil had spent ages making it, adding songs from all of dan's favourite bands. he was delighted with the outcome, only to find he'd have no use for it. he stared at the fragile gift, "for dan" scribbled onto it. he rubbed his eyes, trying to pull himself together. he didn't need dan, did he?
but maybe dan needed him.
oh god, phil was crying again. he couldn't stand the state he was in, this strange dependance and worry and anxiety. maybe dan would come back, talk to him, or something. but for now, why was phil spending all his time thinking about this? he wasn't even going to work properly in fear of seeing the auburn-haired boy. what if they met? what if dan was angry at him, thought he was some kind of stalker? it would be awful. there was no way phil could do that.
phil checked the time. 11:43. seventeen minutes until dan howell's birthday. not that he cared, it made no difference in his life. but he couldn't help wondering if dan was okay. would he spend his 22nd birthday alone?
he didn't deserve that. dan was an amazing person, he just couldn't see it. he couldn't see that he didn't need to go through everything alone. but how could phil show him he was wrong if he kept pushing the older boy away?
no, he didn't want phil around. phil had to accept that. but dan couldn't be alone. phil just wished he had someone. someone that could hold him at night and tell him he'd be okay. someone who would make him happy, make him feel loved, make him feel needed, and let him know he wasn't alone. someone better than phil.
phil hated being annoying, he hated forcing someone to speak to him and he felt annoying even when he wasn't really acting that way. but he just felt this burning need to talk to dan, like he couldn't bear to be without him.
yet this was idiotic. dan had left him after they kissed, the younger boy clearly didn't want him around any longer and phil had to accept that, but he couldn't manage to.
phil: please answer me
phil: happy birthday..
phil: im sorry for kissing you, ok? you didnt want that i get it but just stop ignoring me
dan: i did want that
phil: what the hell
phil: youve been ignoring me for days and thats all you have to say
