Feeling Blue -- (VLD)

Feeling Blue

Lance had come to expect the dark thoughts that appeared in the late hours.

They had disappeared for a while, seeming to vanish from existence with the help of a supportive family and Earth treatments prescribed by a sympathetic doctor. He had rather enjoyed the brief two years of relief.

But out in space his support system had all but vanished, along with the treatment he had available. Thus the thoughts and feelings came back. And in all honesty he was, in a sick and twisted way, glad for their company. It was familiar, in a place that was always changing. A constant in the ever swirling mess in his life. He knew deep down that this familiarity was bad, and would only lead him to darker places. But without his family there to support him? He had no idea how to deal with it.

Lance had tried all of his usual coping mechanisms. From cleaning his bedroom till it shone, to writing out his feelings on paper and throwing them out, and even to hours of meditation. But alas, they hadn't worked, and he didn't really think he expected them too.

He didn't know how to deal with this constant ache that filled his bones. Or at least he pretended that he didn't know how to chase away the darkness within him. Lance knew, that if he could go home, feel his mother's embrace, then he could finally feel happiness without feeling guilty. Guilty that he was happy when his family was probably mourning his death. He just wanted to go home.

Sometimes he regretted sneaking out that night on Earth. Because if he had just followed the rules and gone to his dormitory like a good cadet he wouldn't be here. But even though no one was here to question him, nor judge, his stomach churned. Self-hatred filled him as he truly thought about the implications of his thoughts.

If he had remained in the garrison that night, there would probably not be a Garrison in the future. Lance knew with certainty that if he could relive his experiences he would have taken the exact same path, because his mama had taught him right from wrong, raised a boy who would do anything in his power to help people. And despite his own feelings, where he was, and what he was doing? It was the right thing, and Mama didn't raise a man who turned his back on those who needed him.

Lance sprang from the bed, and sprinted from the room. He needed to move, to get away from the thoughts that attempted to consume him. Leering at him as he attempted to escape their hideous jaws. He needed to run.

Lance only stopped because his burning lungs forced him too. He cursed his weak, human body and fell to the ground, sobbing as he curled up on himself. The floor was like ice, cold enough to burn his exposed skin as he lay without protection on the harsh metal of the ship. He hadn't brought a blanket, but that was okay. The cold ebbed in to him, giving him something to focus on. Anything to distract him from his thoughts.

Lance began to wonder if the cool floor would freeze him to death if he stayed here. He found that he didn't much care, and pressed his exposed midriff to the cold panelling. Shame welled within him, threatening to pull him further into his thoughts.

Lance fought, wailing as he struggled fruitlessly with his own mind. The battle waged for what seemed like minutes, but in reality was hours. But lance had been strong for too long, and his mind won out. He tried to remember how cold a human could get before they were in danger of dying, but came up empty. It wasn't like he had the motivation to move anyway.

He started to cry, shivering as the hot tears ran painfully down his icy skin, dropping to the floor beneath him. He tried to imagine his mother, sitting before him wiping his blotchy face with the sleeve of her shirt.

He pressed a hand over his mouth so he didn't scream. He couldn't remember her face clearly.

The icy cold surrounding him was her hugging him, and he sank further into his illusions, no longer caring how much time had transpired. He only wished to stay here, in the loving embrace of his Mama, face buried in her shoulder as she whispered gently into his hair.