Bring It On Home- A Destiel AU [COMPLETED]

Chapter 24

"Cas!"

Dean chased him out into the snow, under the orange streetlights and onto black icy pavement. The road was dead silent, empty; everyone was huddled indoors getting ready to count down. He slid and wobbled, regained his balance. "Cas! Wait!"

Cas finally spun around. "Why, Dean?" he shouted. "So you can tell me what I already know you're going to say?"

Dean clenched his hands. "What am I gonna say then, huh? Go ahead! Tell me!"

Cas sucked in a deep breath and exhaled a billow of fog. His eyes were hard and accusing. "You're going to lie."

"Hey!" Dean stepped forward, and he found himself jabbing a finger at Cas. "I have never lied to you! Not ever!"

"Then answer me honestly." Cas bared his teeth as he spoke, his words clipped and sharp. "Did you keep this a secret because you don't want them to know you're with a man, or because you don't want them to know you're with me?"

Dean opened his mouth, and faltered.

Cas rotated his jaw and blinked several times quickly and said, "Well. Okay. I'm glad that's clear then." He turned and began to walk away.

"Cas, I didn't tell Sam because it's none of his business!" Dean said. "I'm serious! You don't need to get so worked up about this. I don't send him a bulletin every time I get laid! It's none of his business who I'm fucking, and nobody else's business either!"

"Is that what we're doing then?" Cas shot back over his shoulder, still walking away. "Fucking?"

"Yes!" Dean exclaimed. "Isn't that the point?"

Cas stopped.

Dean's throat squeezed tight. "Isn't it?"

Cas just stood there, his back to Dean.

"Oh come on!" Dean shouted, hot anger twisting in his gut. "Don't act like - like you didn't - I didn't ask anything from you, Cas! I didn't ask for any promises! You lead a, a parade of men through your house and you expect me to think we're more? I've known you for how long now? For months, and I've never seen a single one of your photographs. I let you into my house, Cas, and you shut me out at every turn."

Slowly, Cas turned around. And his face - Shit. Dean couldn't handle that face. His eyes were red and bright and his mouth was a tight line and he wouldn't even look, wouldn't even look Dean in the eye so he looked to the side of the street and said quietly, hoarsely, haltingly: "I knew how you felt at first, but I thought you'd... well, it doesn't matter anymore. But I'll explain things so you can understand." Cas took a deep breath. "Just I'm a loner doesn't mean I want to be your dirty little secret. Just because we're fucking doesn't mean - doesn't mean that I don't feel. And just because you didn't askanything from me..." He closed his eyes and his voice cracked as he said, "doesn't mean I didn't give it anyways."

Dean didn't say anything, just stood numbly, just stuck to the spot, unable to stop looking at Cas and say anything, fucking anything.

Cas wiped his eyes with the back of his hand and looked up at Dean. "It's my fault. But I don't think I can see you anymore."

"Cas," Dean whispered. "I thought we were friends."

And Cas smiled bitterly and close-mouthed, his lip trembling inward, and he rasped, "So did I."

Something stabbed in Dean's chest.

Cas gave him one last painful look. "Goodbye, Dean." And he walked back to his house and closed the door.

Dean stood there in the middle of the road. Just stood.

Somewhere far in the distance, a crowd cheered for the new year, echoing in the night sky.

And then Dean stumbled back to his house, ignoring Sam's questions, oblivious to the muffled fireworks, trudging upstairs and kicking off his shoes and collapsing onto his bed, and he just laid on his back and stared at the ceiling in the dark. And out of nowhere he remembered a moment, flashing vividly in his mind.

"What?"

Cas's adam's apple bobbed. "I can't tell you yet."

"Cas. You can't just say shit like that and not tell me."

Cas thought for a moment. "Close your eyes and I'll mouth it to you," he said.

Dean frowned. "If my eyes are closed, how can I see what you're mouthing?"

"You won't," Cas said. "But your heart will hear it."

It was Dean's turn to stare.

Cas stared back, completely serious.

"Did I ever tell you that you're incredibly weird?" Dean asked.

Close your eyes, Cas mouthed.

Dean sighed and closed his eyes.

And Cas reached both his hands up and cupped the sides of Dean's face, and he held them there for a silent moment. And then he leaned forward and and pressed his lips to Dean's forehead.

"There," Cas said. "Now you know."

And Dean realized he knew with absolute certainty the three words Cas had said, because his heart had heard it and hidden it away and kept it secret even from himself.

And suddenly his eyes were leaking and his body was shaking and he curled into a ball on his side and cried like a stupid idiot because some fucking hippie had fucking loved him and he had been stupid enough to fuck it all up.