The Boy On The Moon - Ongoing

1. The Crash

Today, it felt like the last day of my life, sometimes, it would be better. It would be better if I had died today.

We were just going on a family day trip, we were going out for dinner. It was meant to be a lovely little take-away. I guess that something was still taken away, just, it wasn't food. It was two innocent lives.

Mum and Dad. They're gone. I'm alone, I'm on the ground. There is a sticky liquid coating me, my heart stops beating. My breathing slows down. I can feel my consciousness drain out of me, I can't stay awake.

Black, I see only black.

Black, it's an empty colour, some people don't think that it even is a colour. They call it a shade, but really, what is a colour? What difference is a shade to a colour? It is seen as a bad omen to some. But to me, it is, nothing, it is a feeling worse than death. When you see nothing, feel nothing, do nothing, taste nothing, hear nothing, touch nothing, breathe nothing. You feel like you are suddenly nothing. But, then there is something. Just a flash. Just for a split second. You have everything back, but you loose it too fast. You wanted too much out of life, and so in return, you get nothing. Like a tease, it came and went.

A whisper, it took everything. My family, my friends, my happiness, my sadness, it took all my feelings. All my memories, I was a nothing. Not even a speck to the world. I was surely gone. Dead, Surely, I had left this world, and gone to hell. I was sure of it, Dead.

Dead.

Dead.

Dead.

DEAD.

Or was it a miracle, was there a glimmer of hope? Was there a teeny tiny chance, that really, nothing had been taken from me, was I still alive? Were my family alive? Did I still have my friends to help me? Was I still a happy little girl? Did I feel pain and sadness still? Did I not loose my memories?

I felt them then. The doctors. As they placed the oxygen mask over my mouth and nose, as they picked me up and placed me on a stretcher. As they pushed me on the stretcher quickly, probably towards an ambulance. I knew where I was going, to the hospital.

Hospital, really it's a horrid word. It smells of blood mixed with hand sanitiser. Sick people went there, to get better, but sometimes they didn't. Sometimes, people were there for a very long time, seconds, hours, days, weeks, months, years, decades, probably not centuries, but still, you could probably be in a hospital for 100 years, extremely unlikely, but still possible. How long would I be in hospital? I don't know, hopefully no longer than a day or two. I despise hospitals. I never really liked them, I didn't go and visit people unless I had to. Hospitals always made me feel like throwing up.

I thought that I was dead, but I know I'm alive.

I could still feel the blood rush out of me, I was getting worse. The blood would need to stop, otherwise I would die. I wish I could do something, I wish that I could wake up and tell myself to stop bleeding. But I can't. I can't do anything, helpless little me, useless little me.

I loose the feelings, I don't feel the blood. I think it's gone, I don't feel like I'm on a stretcher anymore, I'm once again feeling nothing. No oxygen mask is on my face, Nothing.

Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing

NOTHING

I'm gone.

I'm Dead.

I have no one

I have nothing

I am ...

nothing

But what if, what if I wanted, just one little thing? What if I still, after this terrible accident, I wanted a chance, a chance to live. What if I wanted a chance to have feelings? What if I wanted a chance to see? To breathe? To taste? To hear? To love? To laugh?

What if I wanted to Live?

Could I keep fighting?

Was there a way, a way for me to wake up?

A way to gain all my feelings and senses again?

A way to Love?

A way to Laugh?

A way to Live?

I needed to be Strong

I needed to be Bold

I needed to get Better

I needed to do it for my parents, to make them proud.

I needed to do it for my friends, so they do not have to grieve over my loss.

I needed to do it for my family, the ones that still cared.

I needed to do it for Me.

I needed to do it for me.