Words of the Heart and Mind

Rock

Recently I have been distant, I've been pushing those closest to me away when I should be pulling them closer and holding them for dear life because they are what keep me going.  My friend Nicole looked me in the eyes this morning during first block and asked me what was wrong and I told her "I don't know" all the while perfectly well knowing that I was so tired of being alone with my thoughts because the things that I see in my head are not imaginations that should be put into words around prying ears.  I wanted to scream at her that all I wanted was a strong rock to depend on but all I am left with is being the strong rock that everyone else depends on.  My days consist of school, chores and taking care of all my friends problems that they choose to voice to me.  I hope that they don't feel as if my silence is my consent for them to lay their life problems out in front of me and expect me to fix it all... kiss it make the punches of life feel less like punches and more like clouds.  All I need to carry on is someone that I can depend on, someone to hold my hand and listen to my problems without wanting to run because I sound crazy, all I need is love and a kiss on the cheek when we leave school because that's all the reassurance that I need that I am loved.  Words are not enough for me anymore, I feel no further any motivation from hearing my friends speak truths to me because those truths fall upon my now deaf ears because too many words have been heard and thought over and now all I am is nothing.  All I am left with at the end of the day is the fear of rejection and the pain of knowing that my life gets a little bit less worthwhile everyday...