I'm Not A Puppy

11

*monologue*

I went home.

I put the clothes back where I found them, shaking with insecurity.

What was I going to do? Stay with him until he found a girlfriend? This whole thing was dumb. I was killing myself.

When Jaxon came home it was obvious he was upset. I just laid my head on my paws. It would be better this way. He would have to have to live a life that would ruin him. I'd seen Alphas turn into monsters, and I didn't want to do that to him.

I had to leave. What was I doing? I had to go home.

I left around 2 am. It was difficult to say goodbye. I watched him sleep for hours before I left.

He twitched a lot. His nose seemed as if he was preparing to sneeze over and over again, which led me to sincerely contemplate waking him up. Aren't there sleeping diseases that kill you that look like that? I don't know anything. This whole caring about other people thing wasn't fun. It led to overthinking and hysteria.

You know hysteria was considered a disease? I mean that was in a time where women were considered a lesser strain of men- literally. Werewolves, on the other hand, were near extinction because of the paranoia of humans. I know hysteria isn't actually a disease caused by a wandering womb, but maybe if there was a cure it wouldn't be so bad.

Every time I looked at him I feel electrocuted. His existence leaves me shook, what the fuck. How does someone have so much control over me? All I want to do is spend time with him. Leaving him is actually torture. When I said it was difficult I was underestimating, this is horrifying.

I never knew it could feel like this.

Heart break was surely slowing my foot steps, however as I crawled through the forest aiming to make it to the next city over before I hit up a woman's shelter, I found strength in my distance. Would I forget he existed? If I never accepted him, would he meet someone else and fall in love and have babies. Oh, no.

I want to run back, really I do. But there is no good reason why it would do any good if I did. That is what I told myself, as I tried to convince myself of it. He would only hurt, which means I would too, if he were thrust into my world. Fuck, now I feel like Ariel.

She got to be part of his world, lucky.

I really wasn't having any luck being a werewolf, I mean I might as well turn around and become human. If only that were possible.

I wish I wasn't a wolf. I felt so depressed as that thought rung throughout my body. I despise my own genetics, flesh and blood. I was born to be miserable. I'm supposed to live like this and not throw myself off a bridge? Would Jaxon feel my death? Would I have to suffer a long, lonely life just to benefit him? I totally would too. This is impossible! I have to go back.

But I can't.

Miles seemed to stretch out endlessly. This was the worst nature walk ever. 

Trees became buildings, and moonlight became streetlights. I shifted in dark alley, covering myself with a dirty old carpet someone left to rot. Right around the corner was a free woman's shelter, one I felt almost guilty using. Occupying space that some poor woman who can't defend herself could use? What low had I come to.

They greeted me with no hostility, offered a cold shower and some warm soup. I slept on the floor, offering a cot to another woman. God, the government really should invest more into these. Especially in these big cities. 

I didn't really sleep this night.

I mean, my eyes were closed, and I'm sure my mind was somewhat not aware of my surroundings, but all I saw were nightmares. Whether it was wolves killing me, ripping my skin off, or wolves killing Jaxon. It was violent and bloody and restless. 

In the morning, I can't move.

Panic rushes me, as I lose sense in my extremities and my head refuses to rise off the floor. The ladies scream at me, attempt to shock me, nothing.

Moments later, an ambulance is called.

I'm paralyzed.