Story of my life

Spiralling effect

I think that Nia and I both had no idea what we'd gotten ourselves into. We obviously knew that we did something we shouldn't have, but that was it.

About a month after we started it was Nia's idea for us to get clean or however you would say it. I obviously agreed because i didn't want to have scars or anything and be reminded about the past everyday. We tried we really did. I don't know who was first and I guess it didn't really matter, but one made it to a week, so the other only made it slightly past that. But we both tried again. I only made it to 13 days that time. Even now, that's still the longest I've made it. It was only a few more hours until it was officially the day that marked 14 days, 2 whole weeks. But in those few hours, I just gave up. I hated myself for doing that. For getting so close and then just giving up so easily. I think Nia did it again a little after those 2 weeks.

She's always been stronger than I was in these situations. Maybe it was how we grew up. Or what we'd been through. She'd dealt with a lot more than I had before we started talking.

After those 13 days of being clean, I might as well had just stopped trying to and just did whatever my mind told me to whenever it "wanted" it.

I still said I was fine even though it happened once or twice a week, but I still didn't think I would ever get that bad.

Haha. Now look at me.

That's the thing with self harm. You can't really say that you're going to self harm only once. It just doesn't happen that way.

You'll do it once and then suddenly you want more and more and more until you don't know what to do anymore.

You'll try to stop, to stay clean but eventually something will happen and you'll be back to where you started.

You might be able to stay clean for months or years, but then something could still happen. Because by that point you're not afraid of the blades anymore because of your past.

You'll have a relapse, self harm more, or deeper, or worse. But if you make that last cut too deep, it's all over. By then it might already be too late for you to turn back.

Yes, I sound bad and dark and depressing. Yes, I might be going to some extremes. But either way, this stuff actually happens. And it happens the same way every time.

They think they're fine, they'll destroy them self and still think they're fine, they'll try to go clean, give up, try again, give up, and they may actually succeed. But you never know if you'll be someone who has a relapse or if you'll just be left as a survivor. Because there really isn't a way to know once you make the first cut.

See the spiralling effect? How it seems to start but you never know if it will ever end.

But ya know, this is what we may have just gotten ourselves into. And now we need to find a way out as quick as we can before it can get to be too late.

Sorry that this one is so short compared to the first, and if that was really dark then I apologise for that too. I really didn't think it would go there but somehow it did.

I don't know when I'll update next, but if you have any questions or anything then comment them, and I can try to get them in the next part/chapter/thing. xxx