Story of my life

33 cuts

I promised myself I would make it at least a week clean this week. I didn't go for two cuz it was already rough enough and the voices in my head were starting to get worse.

I made it to 6 days.

I have an account on Instagram that I actually fill with depressing quotes and stuff. I can rant on tents without being judged, people from my school didn't know about it so they couldn't report me. I loved it honestly and I still do. But..

I realised a little while after I started the account that one of my friends was following it (we'll call him Kaden). Kaden actually happened to be the one who reported one of my friends to the office when he found out they cut. He told me about her and I was actually friends with her, but I convinced him to report it to the office. I thought it was the right thing to do and that we could get her help and she would stop. (That was before I started self harming.)

But I didn't think Kaden would ever find out it was me with that account. 'Cause it was anonymous ya know?

He messaged me on  that account a few weeks after I started it (probably 4 days ago maybe) saying stuff like "I can't take this anymore", "this account is too depressing for me", "you need to get help", blah blah blah. I told him that if he really didn't like the account he could just unfollow it.

Anddd of course he didn't settle on that. He said "you're ___ right?". I didn't know what to say so I said no. I knew he couldn't know it was me or else he'd report me too since I was the one who convinced him it was right. If I got reported to the school then from what I understand of what my friend went through, is they call you down to the guidance office, pretty much accuse you of self harming, tell your parents, and then your parents probably make a huge deal about it (cause who wouldn't) and send you to therapy where they force you to say every detail you want to keep to yourself.

Kaden asked me "so who are you then". I was pretty much screwed. I didn't want to put a friend in my position but I couldn't really say i was someone else and then get them reported and need to go through that for no reason. So I just said "you don't know me". A couple minutes later he said "bullshit it is you". He'd apparently looked back at the messages from when the now anonymous account used to be mine and my name was right in the messages I sent on there.

I told him not to report me an then I blocked him. He said that he was only still following the account because he needed proof that I self harm and that happened to be it. So if he couldn't get to it then there's no proof right?

But now I just need to hope that he remembers not to report me to the school after the 4 more days of vacation.

I have another friend who's come over every New Year's Eve to sleepover and watch the ball drop since we met. She found out 2 or 3 weeks ago that I cut, and she hasn't come over since then.

I thought that if I could spend New Year's Eve with her like always then maybe I could make it to the 7 day mark like I was hoping. But as soon as she started avoiding the question "are you coming over for New Year's Eve", I close to the worst state of mind I've already been in if I wasn't already.

The day before New Year's Eve, I basically just thought fuck this I'm not even gonna try anymore. If Kaden already knows, and if my friend doesn't like me anymore, then why do I need to stop cutting. It wouldn't change anything.

I don't know if it was because of Kaden, or my friend, or both, or neither, but relapsed. It wasn't just the 7 cuts or so on my arm like normal though this time. I really hated myself right then. I covered my arm in twice as many cuts as normal and I moved to cover my hips. I layers on my bed to just stare at the ceiling before doing a few more and wondering what I even doing with my life.

I counted up to 33 cuts. The most I've ever done. I told my Internet friends who are the only ones I can trust with this kinda stuff that I had my worst relapse ever. They shrugged it off in not even a minute before moving on to the same thing they were talking about before. They didn't ask if I was ok or anything. They just ignored me.

So now I'm actually keeping the blade with me. Now I don't have to wait til my parents leave the house. I can do it whenever I want.

I think I've almost given up. What's the point of fighting the demons in your head when it's so much easier to do what they say, and you already know they'll win anyway.