Story of my life

No gender

Sooo I've been thinking about this for a while. And usually writing about stuff makes me feel a little better about it, but I'm not exactly sure how to explain it.

It might've been over the summer or something, but I started figuring out the whole idea of being transgender and genderfluid. I thought it was pretty cool, and I supported them 10000% because I think that people should be able to do whatever they want without being judged.

I don't know what made me start thinking of it, but over the summer I started thinking that I wanted to be a FTM transgender. My mom turns out to be against it so I never did mention it to my parents.

I started using makeup since I was still self conscious after a guy at school called me ugly. But then I wasn't so sure about being trans.

Near the beginning of the school year I started considering being genderfluid. I kinda brought it up with my dad, but I've never mentioned it to my mom.

So when I want to be a guy sometimes, that's where my problem comes in. I have guyish clothes, but I'm not exactly flat-chested and I don't want to cut my hair. I can wear a beanie or a hat at home, but I can't wear one to school. I want to get a chest binder, but the only ones I've found are online.

I'm not exactly old enough that I have a credit card or able to use my bank account. I'm only in freshman year. So I can't buy one online without asking my parents to buy it for me.

I saw somewhere online that supposedly Walmart has them. I have enough money to get one myself but I can't drive down there. I would need to have my parents bring me and they'd want to know what I'm buying and everything like that.

Sooo today..

I found out that I still had this sports bra that's actually meant to be really tight so I put that on. I got hold of some bandages and I tried the whole "binding thing", and I never knew I would be so happy with it.

I was practically playing dress up in my room putting my hair on a bun and a beanie on top of it, putting on a flannel and straightening out my red ad black side bangs. I actually thought I looked kinda like a guy. Like I could actually pass as being a guy.

But I also realised today.

I don't know if genderfluid is what I want to be labeled as. But I don't want to be a girl or a guy either.

I mean, I love tights, and makeup, and the long hair, and being a girl you know?

But I also want to be flat-chested, and I love the hardcore music, and how they can just dress however they want.

But I don't think I want to be either gender. Like I'll want to wear guys clothes maybe, but I'll want to do my hair and wear makeup or something.

I almost feel like picking a gender limits you. Which is probably where the whole "fuck gender rules" came in.

I don't exactly know how I'm gonna come off as neither gender, or come out with it, but I think that's  what I want to identify as.