Wild World || Dan Smith (Bastille)

Good Grief

What's gonna be left of the world if you're not in it?

I was sitting in the crowd looking down. My hands were folded and I tried to focus on the black fabric of my dress. I was too scared to look up. Too scared to see what's up there. Too scared to face the truth.

"Hello to everyone who came.", a feminine voice said. I didn't have to look up to know that it belonged to my mom. Her voice was cold and shaky. It was easy to tell she tried to remain in control over her emotions. Well at least for me it was. "We all came together to...", she stopped and I could hear her take a deep breath. "...to say goodbye to..", she stopped again and I started pressing my folded hands closer into my lap. "...to say goodbye to my son-", her voice cracked and my nails started digging into my palms. "Robin Blake." As soon as she said his name I raised my head, looking straight into my mother's eyes. They were filled with pure sadness causing my heart to ache. I couldn't deny it anymore. My brother was dead. My guardian. The one that watched over me. Who would take care of me now?

I bit on my bottom lip. I wouldn't cry. I just can't cry here. Robin wouldn't have wanted that. If he was here right now he would cheer me up, telling me to look at the good sides. But he wasn't here. And I couldn't find a damn good thing about this either. My brother is dead and he will never come back. He won't just walk in here telling me everything will be fine. He's gone.

I was too emerged in my thoughts to follow my mom's words. I knew them anyway. I heard her practice them. Every time I sat on the stairs listening silently. She didn't know I was there but I kept listening to her saying her speech up and down. She always ended up sobbing. I was surprised that she hadn't cried yet today. Her voice sometimes broke yet no tear was lost. I knew she was close. It was just a matter of seconds.

She came to part she started talking about all the memories she had of Robin. One including me. The one I was the most scared of to see her saying it to my face. "I remember when I was pregnant with Eliza.", my mom stopped with her words and looked at me. Her look went right through me causing my heart to ache. It was filled with disappointment. She was blaming me. I knew she did. She never said it yet her look gave everything away. I was the reason she lost her son.

I pressed my lips onto each other. I can't believe I made this decision. I didn't plan it. I swallowed, stood up and walked out of the room. All eyes were on me. Of course they were. It was my brothers funeral and I was walking out of it. They probably thought that poor girl lost her brother. It wasn't the reason I left but who cares what they think. In my parent's eyes I was the bad guy anyway.

Closing the door behind me and I looked around. I wasn't alone even though that was the thing I craved the most right now. Somewhere alone. Silence was all I'm asking for.

I walked out of the hall way getting weird looks from a guy leaning at a wall. As soon as I stepped out a cold breeze hit me. It was late September and it rained the whole morning. The air was clean and it stopped the spinning that seemed to be the whole time in my head. But with the dizziness leaving the sadness came. That terrible sadness that made me want to cry. I can't cry. I won't.

Looking around I saw a table full with drinks. I made my over to it and grabbed the bottle of whiskey. Maybe this will help...

So get drunk, call me a fool, put me in my place.

I was walking down the streets with a bottle of whiskey in my hand. I didn't even know where I was but I was happy that I brought a distance between me and the funeral. The whole atmosphere was taking me the air to breath. I felt like I could finally breathe again. The alcohol drowned the sadness and brought back the dizziness.

I laughed remembering how Robin was wasted and called me to pick him up. He was the older one of us and at this point I couldn't even drive yet. So I walked to the place he told me. It was at the other end of the town but it didn't really bother me. He was my brother and he got me out of many other things already too. The way back was really weird but we both laughed a lot. I always mocked him because he never remembered what happened that night. But I will never have this again.

And suddenly it was back. It came as fast as it went just ten times worse. Punched me in the face, making me lose control over my body. My legs didn't seem strong enough anymore to hold me up and I sank down to the ground. I didn't cry. I just looked at the wall on the other side of the street. And then it hit me...I'm alone. Wasn't that what I was asking for? So why did it make me even sadder?

Pick me up, up off the floor, put me in my place.

I don't know how long I was sitting here. Seconds? Minutes? Hours? I couldn't tell. I lost every sense of time. The whole time I've kept looking at the girl in the window of a closed restaurant on the other side of the street. The girl wearing a black dress looking like she haven't slept for days. Maybe because I haven't. Why am I still here? It should be my funeral they are on right now. Or did they already leave? Were they searching for me or were they happy that I was gone? Probably the second one.

Suddenly a silhouette pulled me out of my thoughts. After blinking a few times I could make out a young man waving his hand in front of my face. "What are you doing?", I asked looking at him weirdly. I've been staring so long at my reflection that I completely forgot I was outside. Many people probably passed already. "I...uhm...I'm sorry. I just thought you..", he began stuttering but I interrupted him: "You thought you need to wave your hand in front of my face? I'm fine thanks." I wanted to be alone. People can't be trusted. They'll just let you down. I'm better on my own.

I stood up. The man tried helping me but I avoided his touch. Without a word I left, leaving him behind without any explanation. He would forget about it anyway. Maybe he would think what a weird rude girl but I can't be bothered. I'll just keep walking into the night...

So this is the first chapter...I feel like I could have done better but it's alright I guess. I just wanted to show how weird Grief is like good Grief describes it.

The book will be written based on Bastille's new album and will turn the songs in a story. I might have to add chapters between the song based one's but we'll see.

Sorry for spelling mistakes. Please don't be rude, English isn't my first language and I tried my best. I hope you enjoyed the first chapter and are excited to see what's next :)