If only you could live through me

3

Ever since I was 4 years old, I've been practically living on stages, microphone in one hand, and another random instrument in the other.

In the beginning I didn't really question why I did it, I just sort of found myself standing in a spotlight, not knowing much about what it meant, but rather what it meant to my family.

To them, my singing meant something to be proud of. It meant they had something to brag about whenever friends came over.

To my sister, it meant a mixture of jealousy and second-hand pride, but mostly just something to put distance between the two of us, because at some point, she also found herself making music, but people never really praised her as much.

And it sucked. It sucked feeling like the one who stripped her of her dreams.

But then we grew up, and she found better dreams to pursue. She started writing and dancing, and she was really great at it all. When people started praising her for it, that's when she finally started to support me as well.

But me, on the other hand, I spent around nine years of my life singing and playing instruments not because I liked it, but because people told me I was good at it, and that was all. As I said before, I never really questioned the spotlight.

That all changed when I turned 12.

When I was 12, a sudden strike of congenital depression hit me like a freak wave. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I started getting "bad" grades for the first time ever, but mostly I just lost the will to live. People said I'd lost my spark, thought of it as just a collateral effect of growing up, and it all just made me feel worse. I didn't want to wake up, not for a single day over the course of two full years, and through it all I just felt like I was wasting myself away.

It got to the point where I'd written everyone I ever loved a heartfelt note. I'd prepared a playlist I'd use to explain it all, and I'd even investigated thoroughly the way I wanted to go. It was all so surprisingly easy, but one day, about a month from the set date I thought to myself "music has been a huge part of my life until now, I think I really should live my last moments listening to my favorite song".

And that's when it hit me: I had none. I started scrolling through my music library in search for a single song that meant the world to me, but I had none. Every single song I passed felt like it had something huge to say, and I just couldn't make up my mind. I thought to myself "perhaps I can listen to a full playlist before I do it", and when I finished making the playlist I realized I would have to be listening to it nonstop for two full days if I wanted to hear them all.

That's the exact moment I realized something huge. I didn't have to die. If I was willing to postpone the date I'd planned for so long by more than two days, then that obviously meant those two days were worth living. And if those two days were worth living just because of the music, I figured I could make my whole life worth living by finding new music, writing new music, composing, learning new instruments, playing shows and just giving myself into the music for the first time ever.

And it fucking worked.

It fucking worked so well that now I'm 100% cured of depression.

It worked so well that right now I feel like my chest could burst with the joy of being alive.

It worked so well that I've had so many great experiences over the past two years and a half or so that I feel like I'm truly living the dream I was always supposed to have.

And now, oh god how do I start?

Now I've got two bands. Both of them different genres, but both of them with friends I love very dearly. Additionally, I'm in the finals for an international audition to create the next Spice Girls, by the same guy who pretty much created them. And finally, I'm in a girl band, also with friends. I know, I never thought that would ever happen either, but here I am.

Yesterday I had a meeting with the producers and sponsors that will probably change my life and the lives of five other friends of mine for the best.

And I couldn't be happier.

Right now I can truly say I love my life, and I love myself too.

All thanks to the people who pushed 4 year old me into holding a microphone in the first place.