Child's Instructions for Fine Dining (Short Story) (Completed)

Four-Year-Old at Olive Garden

Waiting to be Seated:
     Eavesdrop as the hostess tells mommy that she'll have to wait before being seated. While you wait, sprint outside and play around the fancy, silver fountain. Rush up and ask mommy if we're ready yet, but disappointingly be told no. Skip to an empty bench, and climb on top. Pretend the floor is lava, and jump from seat to seat. Poke your tired mom. Ask again if they're ready, and be told no exasperatedly. Try to climb a nearby tree, but get yelled at as soon as you grab a branch. Then, jump up and down excitedly when the lady comes out to tell your family that the table is ready. Stare in awe at the bright, dangling chandeliers as you pass by, but completely smash into a stranger's legs.
Alternative method:
     Stand next to your mom, and constantly chant, "Is it ready yet? Is it ready yet? Is it ready yet?" until either the hostess comes back or your mom yells at you - whatever comes first.

Coloring and Ordering:
     Dash in front of everyone, and slide across the booth to get into your special, comfy seat. Pick up your favorite crayon, and color outside the lines as much as possible. Throw the remaining crayons at your little sissy. When the waiter shows up to take everyone's order, point at a pretty picture, and expect mommy to talk for you.

Arriving Appetizer:
     Groan loudly as a plate of salad is pushed in front of you, and cringe at the odor of the icky onion soup on daddy's plate. Use your fork to arrange your food into piles according to color; then, again into piles according to grossness. Finally, create a big space in the middle to make it look like you ate most of it, and announce that you are done.

Taking a Potty Break:
     Crawl out from under the table, and walk around the whole restaurant twice before finding the restrooms. Enter the door only to discover a way too strong scent of spring soap. Walk into a stall, and sit on the toilet. Proudly sing a song about pooping that you made up yourself. When you're done, reach out to grab some toilet paper only to find that there is none. Get down, and discreetly crawl under to the next stall. Fumble with the rough toilet paper there. Finally, crawl back over to your stall and flush. As you're walking out, realize there is another person in line that saw everything you just did. Now slightly embarrassed, walk over to the sink and reach up on your tippy toes to wash your hands. Make a mess of soap everywhere on the counter, and splatter water all over your favorite Spongebob shirt. When you try to get a towel, you hear a loud crack, and accidently break the handle on the dispenser.

Awaiting Main Course:
     Return to your booth, and happily find that your food is already there. Notice your family all talking loudly over each other from across the table. Start your evil plan to annoy them. Slurp noisily on your ice-cold, strawberry smoothie, and receive an aching brain freeze ten seconds later. Shove a whole bread stick in your mouth, and chomp with your mouth open for everyone to see. Proceed to save some bread sticks in your pocket for later. Grab a metal fork, and chase the spaghetti around your plate. Shovel spaghetti into your mouth with individual strands hanging out, and suck until all strands disappear. Discard the silky napkin provided, and wipe with the back of your hand at the mess of sauce all over your face. Devour the sweet strawberry off the top of your smoothie. Soon get bored, and blow bubbles into your drink. Make funny faces at your distorted reflection on the spotless spoon. Play pretend that your spaghetti are worms, and your meatballs are brains. Proceed to stab the meatballs with the fork provided.

Begging for Dessert:
     Sit back, and state that you are full until you see the waiter coming with dessert. Follow the double chocolate cake dreamily with your eyes as it is set in front of you. Eat with your bare hands, but notice the snobby waiter glaring disgustedly at you. Smile, and stick your tongue out. Moan as the velvety chocolate melts on your tongue. You finish it all in one sitting, but then stare sadly at your plate wishing you had more.

Paying and Leaving:
     When it is time to go home, leave a bogger on the edge of the table for the mean waiter to find when he cleans up.