Twenty day challenge.

Day Thirteen.

Day Thirteen. *unedited*

In total honesty I don’t know where the rest of the day went, I feel numb, meaningless, pointless, as if all the energy that my body contained has been drained, I feel like a shell of my former self wandering around with no purpose. I fall asleep early but the time morning comes I’m barely awake, I feel like a puppet with no control over my moves and by the time Sophie comes down for breakfast I still have my head bent over my cereal as I continue to push it around the plate, even Sophie looks worried.

“Are you okay?” She said taking the bowl away and pushing a cup of tea towards me, I cradled it with both hands but I don’t reply staring at her with empty hollow eyes, “what happened?” She asked which seems like a more appropriate question since I’m obviously not okay, I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay, and people called Sophie the drama queen in the family! “Who did this to you?” She asked her impatience rising as she clenched her knuckles zoning into protective big sister mood, maybe I was wrong about her being the puppet maybe I was the puppet all along, and Oliver Finch was the one pulling my strings.

“It’s nothing,” I said standing up but I feel dizzy and faint, I sit back down in a hurry, causing Sophie to look even more anxious, “look I’ll be fine,” I said trying to muster a big smile, Sophie doesn’t look anywhere near convinced, but right now all I need is Finch to make it up with him, we need to figure this out, I suppose in a sense he had broken my heart by saying he couldn’t date me and that last shred of hope had faded into the mist.

“You should stay home,” Sophie assured me before informing me that she would be home by lunchtime when all her lessons finished, I don’t bother to argue knowing that today would be a good time to catch up on my homework to take my mind of things, I want to avoid school as long as possible. I feel like an idiot for even allowing myself to believe that Finch and I would one day fall in love just for a moment, but then again he never said he wouldn’t date me he said he couldn’t. And I don’t buy the jeopardising our friendship excuse either, Finch was hiding something just like Sophie and I no longer wanted to find out what it was I needed to find out.

After a few moments of wondering what piece of work or revision I should start with I feel myself drifting back into an erratic daze to the land of dreams and to the land of possibilities, it was a land where everything was perfect where Georgie, Rory, Finch, Sophie and I were the best of friends despite our differences, and a land where Jen and Riley had made up and were the inseparable couple that everybody loved.

By the time I woke up it was lunchtime, and after rubbing my wet eyes I was annoyed, and this time I wasn’t just annoyed with Finch, I was annoyed with myself too, I was a survivor, I was a fighter but at this moment in time I was acting like anything but, from the moment Finch told me he couldn’t be my boyfriend I had given up, and all the emotions I used to feel had been replaced with a certain numbness.

But after thinking it through after a while, what was sitting around and moping going to achieve? Tomorrow I’d start on a clean slate, turn a new leaf, pretend like nothing happened between Finch and I (which was easier said than done) I would make up with Jennifer, and fingers crossed everything would return back to normal. Well or so I hoped. So with my new mid-year resolutions clearly imprinted in my mind I went upstairs to do some work and allowed my worries to dissolve and evaporate into the air.

It wasn’t look before my blissful peace was interrupted by Sophie, who had dutiful remembered her promise to come back at lunchtime; I had to give her credit for her memory which was like that of an elephant. At first she gave a wary ghost of a smile in my direction, but when I gave her my million watt smile she smiled her first genuine smile of a day.