Just like Starting Over (John Lennon fanfiction)

Chapter 2

A month had passed and John hadn't left the house since that last walk with Paul. Julian and I have been to a few places here and there, but John never came with. I was determined to get him out of the house especially since Christmas was coming up.
Have I mentioned both of them decided they liked to sleep with me in my bed? At least with Julian I needed to break this habit fast.

"Julian sweetie, how about you stay in your bed the whole night tonight?" I asked him while he colored. "I miss you and Daddy." "I know honey but what if Ruby stayed with you and I buy you a night light?" he nodded and smiled. I ruffled his hair as I walked away towards the living room, "John, come to the store with us pleaaaase?"

John groaned, "Fine." he went to grab his coat while I helped Julian into his.
I needed to buy food and some presents for people, I figured I'd put John's name on them too just because. I buckled Julian up in the backseat of John's car and then sat behind the wheel. John was never a great driver but I knew he didn't need to drive now.

"Ready?" I asked. "Yeah!" Julian squealed. I turned on the radio and started to drive to the store.

I walked down the aisles of the store putting things in the cart, Julian ran behind me while John slowly brought up the rear.

"John?" I called, stopping and looking behind me.

"Yeah?" He grunted. I knew he was going through a hard time but he was making it so hard to control myself.

"Take Julian to the bathroom please?" I asked. Julian grabbed his dad's hand and they shuffled to the bathrooms on the other side of the store.

After letting Julian pick out a candy he wanted we drove back to the house, John was as quiet as ever. We loaded everything into the house and I sent Julian off to his new room to color while John helped me put everything away.

"You gotta do something honey." I said to him.

He looked up at me, "About what?"

"I know you miss Cyn, but Julian needs his dad." I knew I had to say something.

John just stared at me, "And why don't you just mind your own damn business?" He stormed off into the bedroom slamming the door behind him.

I ran a hand through my black hair, sighing. I looked around the room, empty grocery bags were balled up on the floor, filled ones sat on the counter, and dirty dishes piled up in the sink.

It was the first time I actually got a good look of the apartment in the last few weeks. It looked like shit, the curtains were dusty and closed, the plants were barely alive, and if it wasn't for the latest shopping trip the cabinets would be empty. It made me cringe at the thought of what Kenwood could look like, I'd have to go back sometime not today but sometime. I picked up the empty bags John threw on the ground throwing them away before filling the cabinets and fridge with the rest of the food. Then I started on the dishes, maybe if the house didn't look so dreary it would help some.

Dinner was just Julian and I, "Where's Daddy?" He asked. I pushed around the noodles on the plate. "Daddy is just in his room, he isn't feeling well." I answered.

"Can I go see him?" Julian's little eyes lit up as he finished his dinner. I stood up and grabbed his plate, "Not right now sweetie, I'm just gonna bring him his dinner." I responded as I placed the dishes in the sink. I scooped out a serving of the mac and cheese and walked down the hallway to the room John cooped himself up in.

I softly knocked on the door, "John?" I whispered. No answer, I continued knocking, and still nothing. Finally I just opened the door, "John?" I called.
Laying down on the bed, fast asleep was John. I smiled and lightly nudged him with my hand, "John?"

His eyes fluttered open, "Isabelle?" He yawned while reaching for his glasses on the table. "What're you doin?"
I smiled, "I brought you dinner." I handed the plate to him as he started to sit up.
"Iz I'm not really hungry." John muttered as he started to lay down again. "John." I said sternly, "You need to eat."
"Yes, mother." He groaned, sitting up again and holding the plate in his hands.

I sat next to him, "Wanna talk John?"
John shoveled a fork filled with macaroni in his mouth, "About what?"
I crossed my arms in a sigh, "You know what, John."
He placed his dish on the table, "What my drinking? My storming off? What Isabelle?"

"John," I muttered, "I know what happened was terrible, I know you miss her, and I miss her too. You gotta keep going though, its been over a month and you just left the house for the first time today. Julian lost his mother John, but he needs a father too." I held his large hand in my small ones, tracing circles on his long fingers.

John held his head in his other hand, "I know Isabelle, I know. Its just, I don't know every time I look at Jules I think of her. I think about how I could have done better with Jules back when Cyn was around. I think about how I should have treated her better when I had her. I think about how I can't raise Jules without her, I was rarely there for most of his life. It was always Cyn, I'm not good enough Izzy." Tears started to brim his brown eyes as he took off his glasses to wipe them.

I looked at John, he was a shell of the man I once knew as one of my best friends. All of this pain had been building up inside of him for too long. I turned to face him and embraced him in my arms.

"Shhh John, its okay. Its okay." I whispered in his ear as I stroked his shaggy brown hair. "Johnny its okay, its okay." I rested my head on top of his. I couldn't stand seeing him like this, every one of his sobs broke my heart a little more.

A knock on the door interrupted my train of thought, "Izzy?" Julian's little voice came from behind the door. "Izzy is Daddy okay?"
I lifted up my head, "Why don't you come in here honey?" The door slowly squeaked open and the sound of little feet walking across the carpet filled the room.

"I-zz-y, I don't wa-a-nt him to see me like th-i-i-s." John stammered into my chest.
I nudged John with my shoulder, "Look at him, John." He shook his head and I continued to nudge him, "John. Look at Julian." I said firmly.

John slowly lifted up his head, wiping his eyes with the palm of his hands.

Julian stood in front of him on his tip toes, "No cry Daddy! Don't cry!" He reached for John's face with his little hands. "Daddy! Stop! I love you Daddy!" Julian said bouncing on his tip toes.

John looked down at the small child reaching up to him, their matching eyes met and he picked up Julian, hugging him tightly. "Daddy loves you too Julian, Daddy loves you so much." Julian wriggled his little arms around his dad's neck tightly.

"I know, Daddy."

A/N: I haven't updated this is in a very long time I know. I hope you all enjoy this please vote and comment!