Void cuts

P.s Happy Birthday?

The tears that roll down my cheeks feel as if they are tiny razors, cutting away they only layer I have left to protect me from life's cascade of events.

But it doesn't hurt not like the pain from a real razor, real razors are different. Real razors have this feeling of regret and anger, these metaphorical razors feel... Void

They feel as if your skin is peeling away but still it doesn't really feel like anything, I guess you could say it feels warm like blood but cold as ice yet still nothing. Most people wouldn't understand the sensation, not because they have not felt it just they have not noticed, to caught up in reminding them selfs of other memories maybe even recalling the last time they "cried".

I say 'cried' because that's simplifying the term, making it something less than it is. I like to think that it's a release of emotion, a relief system the body has to certain subjects and actions. Like a way of starting fresh from the thing the body has obtained since the last time you 'cried'

Tiny pricks of sensations trickle down my face, down my chin and so on. Im not sobbing nor am I even moving. Besides the slight drifts of my stomach flowing up and down every time I breathe in and out.

I'm laying in my bed pondering upon different thoughts. Wondering how my mum is without me, how my brothers are without me, are they thinking about me, do they even care, why do I care I left them. I technically didn't leave my brothers for that was in reverse, kind of. But I just recently, one week ago, left my Mother. Not purposely. I love her but I needed to start looking after myself.

They look on her face the day I went was shattering, it was as if I just ripped her heart out and laughed at her. I never meant to hurt her like that, but she is a drug addict living in her parents house who has not had a job for six years also got her house and two little boys, my two little brothers, taken of of her witch did not just hurt her. She has also lost her two elder sons, my two older brothers, who packed it up and left her about five years prior. She has abused drugs basically most her life, she has also emotionally manipulated every and all of her family including me.

Everyone saw through my mums tactics but not me, I was to caught up in being a small oblivious nine year old girl when it was all going on. They all tried to tell me but I didn't understand all I saw was them hating my mum, and it never helped when all she told me was that I should stay with her.

I promised my Mother I would never leave her when I was nine and look at me now, a fourteen year old girl with most people turned on her because all she did was stick up for her mum even though she new most things her mum was doing was the wrong thing.

Mum all I did was try, I tried to stick up for you, I tried to get you help, I tried to help with bills by using the little amount I had for lunch, I tried to reflect the horrible rumours spred about me and you, I tried to cook for you, I tried to clean for you, I tried to tell my school that my life was great, I tried to make friends, I tried to have good grades, I tried to convince people you were fine, I tried to convince myself you were fine, I tried to convince people I was fine, but alas i remembered that I am not the parent you are.

So I stopped, I stopped doing everything for you and tried to look after to myself. But I guess that was worse.

You started to ignore me, block me out. You stopped asking how my day was, or what I did at school. You stopped the hugs and kisses, the late night talks, the smiles, the funny and unnecessary swear words that always made me giggle. But the biggest thing I noticed was not the more strong and pungent smell of tobacco and alcohol it was that you didn't say the three words that I said to to you every single day the one thing i didn't stop, you never said 'I love you'

Look mum I know you will never read this but I'm sorry, i really am. I don't know if I can do anything to help get your love back but just tell me, please I will do anything

Mum I would die just to have you love me again. Please.

So here I am laying down in my new room in my cosy blue bed sheets, at my Fathers house an hour away from you. Slowly dying waiting for those three words that I know may never come. Salty tears pricking my eyes. Void of any and everything in my face. I don't know how yo feel but just remorse I guess.

I love you mum, mumma, mother, mother bear, Petra Marie Bellert.

P.s Happy Birthday

K... So this is the first chapter/entry of my life I know it short. I didn't explain but these entry are written at the time of event then later I edit them and cut an do all that then boom. Updated. I wrote this on the twentieth so that's two days ago. Sometimes I won't update in fluent because well I don't feel like it, it basically whenever I'm upset or when I what to go off with varies about Radom shit. Hope you liked it love you guys. P.s probs will only be me reading ahaha
Pp.s this is the first book I have ever written don't judge X
Ppp.s don't worry it will get happier I just want you to get a grasp on my situation RN.
Faithy xx