SENPOEMTATO

Pseudo "We"

I've been eyeing you for so long
Not expecting my feelings getting strong..
Thinking someday we will be a couple
When the single me becomes a double.

Until the time came you added me as a friend
I didnt expect it, i didnt comprehend
My heart stops as I stare at my phone
As I talked to myself in a very weird tone

Until my phone beeps, "oh shit it was you"
I panicked, called my friend, dont know what to do
She told me to stay calm, so I did
I opened my phone, got anxious like a kid.

You said 'Thank you for accepting'
Replied you with an emoji smiling.
You replied with an emoji smirking,
And I'm like, "the hell are we doing?"

It was the day I felt so happy and gay
Eversince Ive been so cloudy, sulky and grey
I just cant believe that you happened to me
So then it was the  start when I called us, "we"

Everyday you started with a 'hi'
Then I answered you with  'hello.'
Dont you know how I felt so high
But im just not letting you know.

I tried to control my emotions so that you wont see
Since at my past I've been take for granted, so how stupid of me
Since the clock round so many times when we're getting to know each other
So is the attitudes showing and thing arent getting better.

So this cute, romantic and unexpected time came,
Where when i was walking home alone, chatting with you as the same.
Until I saw this vehicle stopped ahead of the street im walking, I wonder..
Panicked when I saw you went down, got pushed by your friends to comeover.

Deep inside im having a mental breakdown
But i stood strong looked at you as if I frown..
As if wondering "why? Why are you here?"
But the truth is im getting tummy-fucking-butterflies, oh dear oh dear

So i just continued my walking as if im not ashamed
When my knees were really shaking, abormal, so lame.
It was quiet and awkward since its our first time walking together
But you broke the ice, started talking, until we dropped off some laughter.

It felt so weird since youre walking by my side
It felt so good, bad, god i didnt know what's right
My emotions are now on a roller coaster ride
My breathing's getting fast as my chest becaming tight.

After my imaginations were getting broader
Imagining you and me is equals together
I know this is too blurry to happen
So i stopped, breathed and count to 10.

I told myself "Never to feel anything deeper at him"
Since i know its too early and so too real for a dream
I always tried to run from this thing to continue
But whenever I see him, my feelings changed, getting renewed.

Time came as you and me were getting deeper
Remember when i got drunk and you kissed me for later?
It was our first kiss as far as i remember
But then i thought it was so wrong since were not officially together.

You and i maked out like a couple since my minds not in the right state
As the alcohol's rushing and streaming in my veins right into my brain
Until drunkness starts to wear off as i stared at you, I palpitate,
"No..this is not right.." as I lowkey getting insane.

To clear it up, he didnt took my virginity.
It was just a kiss and that's it, for infinity.
We might be so drunk at that time, yes.
But after what happened, here come the stress.

We started acting like couples, i know it's wrong.
Straight up told him that im not ready that im not that strong.
He said its okay as he kissed me on the forehead
I felt guilty and pained on what he reacts after to what i said.

Days later we continued acting as lovers
But we have no label, no committment, but we're not strangers.
I told myself "Never to feel anything deeper at him"
Since i know its too early and so too real for a dream.

Sunday morning is the last time we met and been together
The day im afraid of the start of us as strangers.
Nothing last forever to what other said,
So I'm afraid, i should be ending this as its now hurting my head

So there, I decided to slowly stop this insanity
Coz I dont like this relationship with no clarity
It was so hard for me as I'm starting to fall
Witnessing my heart and brain fight as they waited for my call.

I decided to be straight honest with you
As I'm now walking home before we were walking as two
Looked at my phone waiting for you to say sweet words since I carefully watch you leave.
But it has been an hour and still not sleeping, still theres no you, i cant believe.

I waited for my phone to beep, hoping it was you
So many beep happened, but there was no you
I'm becoming paranoid why youre not contacting me
Still waiting and being positive as I can freaking be

5 days came, I scrolled on my phone saw you online
But still there was no you on my messenger, I whine.
Why? Theres no you for that 5 days long?
Did I do something? Is there something wrong?

So I blocked you and start to treat you dead
It hurts since I have no urge to message you first
Because I dont want to do the first move, dont be the lead
I want you to be the first one to beep, see if you care. I cursed

It kinda fucks me up why you got me falling
It kinda fucks me up why youre not calling
It kinda fucks me up when we cross paths
Cross paths like between us theres no past.

There, I made it official not to bother you anymore
Even youre now the one who's knocking on my door
It's too late, done with the wait, I accept.
Because the truth is, right from the start, theres no us but a pseudo "we".