Self Destruction

The day I met Connor

I wake up feeling pretty good for once in my life and I'm ready to start my day. Its the first day of tube second semester which means new classes and school is half way over. I have an hour to get ready so I take a long shower today and enjoy the warmth my cold body looks forward to everyday. I do my makeup real fast a decide to wear some army green jeans with a Led Zeppelin tee shirt with an open black zipper jacket and black combat boots. The one plus side to having a foster family with money is all the band tee shirts I get to have. I put a black beanie with spikes on and leave to pick up Charlie and Ana.

We pull up to school and my readiness fades. The rush of people inside, the confused people wandering trying to find their new classes.. Chaos. Then I see him. He's staring me down as if he knows me and trying to figure me out. We walk past him and I can feel him still staring at me.

I go to my first class which is unfortunately not with Charlie. I get seated in the back as usual and then I look up and see the guy who had been staring at me earlier. Great. He probably thinks in an ugly freak and is internally laughing. He sits by me and I can't help but stare at him in confusion for it. He just stares back so I look away. At this point I am confused and creeped out that he's staring so much. The teacher begins class and is quick to introduce this mystery guy who is new to the area.

"Class, I would like to introduce Connor. He just moved to the area so go easy on him" she then went off on teaching so I tuned her out and started drawing as usual. Class gets over and I can't wait to get out because I feel so awkward being near this guy. He stops me right as I get out the door by touching my shoulder. I jerk out of surprise and turn around. He smiles and I sware I just melt. He has the most gorgeous smile but I quickly snap to reality and say,

"May I help you.." after a few seconds of awkward silence.

"I'm Connor.. You're Alice?" I am surprised and Confused as to how he knows my name. He must have seen that and says,

"I saw your name written on your binder. Sorry if I sounded like a creep or something". His voice was so raspy and not to deep but deep enough for you to fall for it. Cheesy, I know. I caught myself feeling these weird feelings in my stomach that I can't describe. I can't deny that he's a handsome guy. Too handsome for me that's for sure. I don't understand why he's talking to me and why he's acting so creepy for that matter.

"Yeah, my name is Alice. Why have you been staring at me since I first saw you today?". He turns a little red and I immediately feel bad for being so blunt.

"I just think you're pretty. I'm sorry to stare. I couldn't help it". I blush furiously and get embarrassed.

"Umm well thank you. I better get going to class.. See you around". I walk away and I still feel him looking. I blush even more out of embarrassment. I can't believe someone thinks I'm pretty besides Ella and Charlie. I believe him though because he's only just met me and he thinks so. Charlie and Ella know me and just say I'm pretty so I eat.

Its lunch time and I see Charlie and Ana sitting and when they see me they wave and I wave back acknowledging that I see where they are. I grab a tray and Connor appears right next to me out of no where and says hi. I jump a little but say hi back.

"You scared me" I admit to him.

"Oh I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. What's for lunch?"

"That's alright. An apple and some juice. I'm not very hungry"

"Ah. I get it. An apple a day keeps the doctor away" he winks at me and I can't help but blush and smile. I'm quickly overcome with anxiety. He has to know now.. He knows I don't eat. He's going to think I'm worthless. He sees me fidgeting and says

"Hey, you don't need to worry. If you're not hungry then you're not hungry. Fuck everyone else. You're perfect the way you are." I almost cry and am overwhelmed by how supportive he is and understanding. I feel happy in the moment.

"Would you like to sit with me and my friends?" I ask.

"I'd love to Alice" he winks at me again and I feel my stomach twist and turn in delight. We approach the table Charlie and Ana are at and I introduce Connor.

"Charlie, Ana, this is Connor. He's new to the area and to the school. I've asked him to sit with us."

"Hi Connor I'm Charlie and this is my sister Ana. Its nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you too"

We all go on to talk and get to know each other for lunch period and I find myself looking at Connor a lot and I see that Charlie notices. My stomach drops. I feel so awful right away. All today I've been internally swooning over Connor when I shouldn't be. Charlie is my best friend and I have been yearning for him for years and things between us finally turn around to something more intimate and I can't help but fall for Connor as he speaks. I feel like the worst person ever. I excuse myself to use the restroom and all I can do is cry. A silent cry so no one hears but me. I reach for my bag and dig out my old but not forgotten friend. "

Still sharp... Good". I put the razor to my wrist and push down and then slice. It's deeper than expected but nothing I can't handle. I feel relief and satisfaction. I do another and then another and I can't stop myself. The 5 minuet bell rings and snaps me out of my realm. I open my eyes only to see a small puddle of  blood on the ground. I'm thankful no one is in there. I quickly clean up my arm and then the mess I made. I leave the bathroom and get to class Charlie is in class with me now and he immediately asks why I took so long. I get very annoyed and snap at him.

"I was taking a shit. Can that not be a personal matter Charlie?" he turns red and gets sad. I know I've hurt his feelings but I don't apologize. I know that if I will then he'll just do it again.

"I'm sorry Alice.. I didn't mean to upset you" and with that. The conversation was over.

The last class of the day I have with Connor again. He asked the same thing Charlie did but I didn't get mad this time.

"Personal things" I say because I don't know him well enough and don't want to scare him away or have him think I'm a bigger freak than he already thinks.

"I see. I bet that was a good time eh? " I laugh.

"Yes, I finally had some relief from anxiety to say the least".

"That sounds superb. Do you want to hang out after school today Ms. Alice?"

"Ms. Alice? Hah alright, I would love to hang out after school"

"Great. Your place? I'd love to meet your family"

"Maybe lets go get coffee first and we can talk... Then we can go to my house"

"Whatever you say princess" he winks.

"Deal" I smile and feel warm inside.