Diary, I want to be happy

Dear Diary # 1 - What If...

Dear Diary,

I wonder what it would feel like If I was the most popular girl in high school few years ago?

Do you think I could have been a well-known model like the ones I admire and see in fashion magazines these days?

Do you think I could have met an awesome guy, that one person who would knock me off my feet, who would have love and adore me - make love with me and just do everything and anything for me?

Do you think those things could have happened?

Do you think I could have been surrounded by people and friends who would truly care about me?

Would my life have gone much better if that was the case...?

Whenever I look back to what really happened during my high school days, it makes me feel sick to my stomach. I would always end up realizing more each day on how pretentious and pathetic I was in the past and sadly, this has not changed even years after.

I didn't changed at all. I never did.

How sad could that be, right?

No wonder I am alone and unhappy.

Sigh...

Diary, do you think there is still a chance for me to turn things around? Do you think there will come a time that I would find myself to be emotionally fulfilled and happy like those popular girls in school?

Sometimes, I really like how you never answer my questions. I would prefer that than to talk to someone who acts as if they know it all and they understood you. Not all people are really nice... some people think they are, but in reality, they actually do more harm than good, despite their intentions.

The reason for this is because whether we admit or not, some people can be really just one heck of a hypocrite. They would tell you that you can still change your life and not every popular girl would actually be happy, etc... They would act all kind and comforting towards you, not because they care about you, but because they pity you and for what you have become.

You can say that maybe I am just being spiteful, but I would prefer to think that I am just being realistic.

They may tell you popularity is not everything and not all popular girls are happy. They would try to give you words of comfort, but in reality, a lot of those popular girls are actually happy and successful with their life.

They always have guys who showers them with love and attention. They are always surrounded by people and friends who supports them, whether that be for the good or the bad reasons.

Some of them are even married with two little cute kids, and day by day, they are still living a happy and fulfilling life.

They still look good and sexy, as per usual, still having the time of their life as if they did not get pregnant nor had any kids at all!

I envy them.
I envy the life they have and the life they live.

It's something I could never have. It's something I couldn't even dream of... at least, not right now.

Diary, are you hating me now?

Are you hating me and my guts ?

Are you hating how bitter and pessimistic I truly am?

But you know, there's actually a reason for this... a reason why I have become like this... but maybe, just maybe... I'll tell you all about it next time.

xoxo