Diary, I want to be happy

Dear Diary # 2 - The Person I Was Before

Dear Diary,

Have you ever looked at yourself in front of the mirror and one day, you come to realise that you don't like what you see in front of you? I'm sure you haven't, but that is exactly what I am feeling right now.

It makes me feel so devastated because I'm not like this before - not the kind of person who would feel so ashamed of how she looks like. It made me realized I have changed - my appearance have changed and it changed for the worst. It feels like my face got bigger, everything just got bigger than it used  to - my stomach, my thighs, my arms... even my boobs, and it grew in a way that doesn't seem to look good, too.

I just know that I don't look good at all! I am not against anyone chubby and fat - but when I see myself in front of the mirror, I just know that something is off and wrong. It's like as if it's not even my own body at all.

I seriously hate this kind of "me" !!!

This is not just about gaining weight, it also made me feel as if my aura wasn't that bright anymore than it used to... it's very dull. Sometimes when I look at myself, it scares me, too. I'm scared of what I see in front of me.

Maybe the unhappiness I am feeling all this time has come to reflect on my body. I wonder... what do you think? It's possible, right?

Sigh... I miss the person that I was... - I did told you about it last time, right? I'm not like this before. I'm not pessimistic... I'm not a sad kind of person that I am now.

I used to be very loving to everyone, very positive, very happy and optimistic. You'd be so surprised that I take care of myself a lot, too. I dress well - fashionable and chic, and do my makeup beautifully, too. I do take tons of selfies and post it on social medias - getting tons of likes and comments with compliments here and there. While I was never the popular kind, I go out a lot, hang with friends - meeting new people here and there. I also had suitors in the past, too. You'd be so surprise to know that I even got myself a boyfriend or two, before.

Surprising, huh? Like how would a person like that turn to be the person that I am now. I suddenly have skin problems on my face and body that I can't seem to fix and get rid of... I've come to not like how I look when I take pictures of myself anymore. I think even my fashion sense has deteriorated for some reason, too. I feel so big, fat and unhealthy and I'm not even the type to eat a lot and munch every second of the day. I even only it twice a day - in a considerable average amount of food, too. I bet some of the most skinniest people would eat a lot more that I do. Yet, I am like this... a fat, ugly girl that nobody wants.

Why is life so unfair?

I don't think I ever did anything to deserve this.

It makes me wonder if God has forsaken me.

Sigh...

Even though I know what triggered me to be this way, I'm not really the type of person to put the blame to anyone else. I honestly feel and believe that at the end of the day - everything is my fault and my own doing.

It all started because I fell in love - not as if it was the first time I fell in love - no, that's not it. It's not even a first boyfriend or anything - not a first love at all.

I guess I would consider it as my one true love. I hope I didn't sound so cheesy and corny to you, heh.

So yeah, it was with my one true love that got so twisted and complicated, I'm not even sure if I'm ready to tell you the whole story right now but I promise to tell you about it in the future.

But you know, no one has made me happy more that he did... and no one has loved me more than he loved me. The happiest days of my entire life is when we were still together and each and everytime we are together.

You might complain and accuse me, so I'll clear this up here and now, this is not a mere type of - you got yourself heartbroken and now you are pouting on hating yourself because of a love that didn't work out - this is not so basic like that - nothing about being heartbroken.

There was something I got myself into... and I was shocked with how the events unfolded. I guess you could say something happened that I couldn't believe and accept.

It made me start to wonder about the difference of fantasy and reality... I kept thinking and wondering what happened and what went wrong. I was so lost in these thoughts that maybe - not realizing, I've started to lose myself, after. Maybe, I went to a black hole and started waiting for someone to get me out and save me.

But no one did.

I waited, waited, and waited...

But no one did.

No one saved me.

xoxo