This is a diary of a shut-in, awkward and emotional girl whose whole life got broken down to pieces due to a past love that keeps haunting her.
She lived her life not being able to express her feelings... unable to find solutions and answers to the...
Why do I feel as if I don't belong with my family? It's that feeling as if I don't fit in... there are times I feel they are strangers to me.
I wonder when did it start to be this way?
As I write in this diary, I can even hear their voices outside my bedroom. I can hear them having loads of fun and laughter - the closeness with my father, mother, brother, along with his wife and kids... they are all having fun.
I know I could have joined them to see what's going on, I could have just ask what the fuss is all about, but I can't seem to do it. I'm unable to do so - I just can't.
It's like there is an invisible wall that isolates me from them, and no matter how much I want to reach them out... they are unable to hear me, unable to see me and I am unable to reach them, too.
It's as if they even look much more of a family without me. Whenever I would browse through our family photos, it makes me feel as if my existence in that photo looks a bit off... It feels like I'm someone who doesn't belong in that scene - someone who doesn't belong in that photo.
It could be that this is just psychological on my part and this could be due to my own doing. Maybe, it's not that I don't belong, but maybe I have just isolated myself away from them.
They've never pushed me away - it's always me who locks herself away from everything and everyone.
It could be due to other reasons I had in the past, but for some reason, I find it hard to change all that now. Even if I want to be a part of the family, I just can't reach them anymore. I can't bring back what I have already lost.
It has been this way for years and it's not like it's going to change just because I want things to change. I feel sad and now I am in that point of my life that I feel that this time around...
I really am alone.
Even my own family can't reach me nor see me anymore at all.
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A thought crossed my mind and I asked myself...
Maybe, I should just die.
I immediately shook my head at that moment - I can't give in just like that. I shouldn't be this negative at all. It's not like me to think that way no matter how hard the struggle - no matter what I'm going through, it's not like me to really think seriously about dying just like that. I may be suicidal but it's not like I really attempted to end my life completely.
What's going on with me? Why am I being like this?
