Diary, I want to be happy

Dear Diary # 3 - Let's Talk About LOVE

Dear Diary,

Something happened today.

Do you remember that one time that I told you about how I wanted someone to save me but no one did? Well, no one really ever did... but for some odd and mysterious reason, someone always comes back for me.

That someone... entered back in my life today.

I have to be honest with you... I still have feelings for this person despite everything that happened - despite what he did in the past.

Some people may say that time heals all wounds, I don't really know if that is true but maybe time help you move on and forget things - not that it completely applies to me or anything, but throughout all these years, not once I have forgotten all about him.

I was never able to move on, but a part of me wanted to ask myself - was I really unable to move on or was something just holding me back from moving on?

Okay... Maybe that didn't sound so right.

So, let me rephrase that...

Was someone just holding me back from moving on?

While no one really ever saved me, someone would always come back for me... and it's always him. He always, always comes back for me. I don't know if that is a good thing or not but every time he does - he ends up saving me and I'm unable to hate him for that.

Twisted, huh.

The person who triggered me to being such a suicidal freak that I am now or was - is also the only person who can always make me feel how good it is to be alive again.

It's like each time I am inside a black hole... I would always find myself sitting down at the floor, hunched over with my head tucked between my knees, and it would always be like that... It would always be that same scenario each time.

I'd always be in that same position and same surrounding of nothing but pure darkness.

But once in awhile, there would always be a time where a small hint of light would show up in front of me. I would then raise my head, slowly opening my eyes and see someone's hand reaching out towards me.

I could never see who it was but that hand would always be surrounded by a warm form of white light. I'd always be guided to reach for it each time, and just an inch before I actually do, this hand would always take initiative to grab hold of me - to grab hold of my hand, pulling me up and bringing me back towards the surface - towards the light once again.

And with each and every single time, I'd always see the same person doing this, over and over again... throughout all these freaking years, it would always be him - ALWAYS.

He would always end up saving me.

I don't know why and I don't know for what reason, but he just always do.

I don't know if this is even right or even a good thing at all. I mean, was I really being saved? Or am I just being thrown to a form of cycle in repeating things over and over again - never getting out of it.

It's like that feeling where in you are stuck in dream land and you think all is well, working all fine and good but in reality, you are actually in a coma - unable to wake up again... or at least not yet able to wake up at all.

I don't know if it is right for me to feel happy about all of this... but honestly, it did made me happy. When I saw him in front of me, that sense of familiarity - that moment I looked into his eyes - that smile... that warmth, it all came back to me. It made me happy and it gave me a sense of relief that it is him that I saw in front of me.

That instant physical attraction we have, the connection that felt so deep and strong as if it goes through my very core, my soul, my being... just everything - it all came back. My feelings that I know I've somehow able to hide before - all came back strongly. It wasn't just me, I instinctively know, it did the same for him, too.

It feels so good yet complicated... because each time he comes back, there is always a point in time that he leaves, too. I know it wasn't intentional and things are just complicated... but when will it ever be not complicated? If this is something that was supposed to happen... why doesn't it work out the way that it should?

Why does he even go back?

But just like me... maybe he is confuse himself.

Maybe he doesn't know the reason why he keeps coming back to me. It's that feeling... like that person is under your skin and you can't get rid of them. You are unable to - you just can't... but all at the same time, you are drawn towards them.

Truth be told, you can't and you don't even see your life nor your future without them.

I have no idea what to do, what to think... and what I should really feel. It made me wonder if it was even okay for me to like this feeling of him being with me again. I mean, it's not like he stays, anyway.

Is there even a point in all of this? Should I really be happy that he came back in my life now?

I try and I honestly don't want to be pessimistic... but that is reality, right?

It scares me... This scares me.

It's that feeling as if someone has this power over you and that person... that someone can make or break you in a flick of a finger. It's scary because I don't want to go through all that darkness once again. I want to take my power back and have control over my life but I don't know how. I mean, how can I ever do that - when even now, at this point in time, I can't even reject the idea of life without him. I just can't!

With that thought in mind... it made me realized how fragile human beings really are. So fickle and so fragile... and at times - just pathetic.

What do you think I should do in this kind of situation? Sigh...

And with just that, my phone rings... he's calling.

I have to put you on hold once again but hopefully, there would be something happy or good for me to talk about next time.

Sigh...

I really want to be happy and I wonder... will this really be the path for me to be happy?

Would it be enough?

Diary... What do you think?

xoxo