I've never written so much before
So I apologize if my constant whining has become a bore
Each draft contradicts my will
So I think now I'll finally spill
Maybe I've finally cracked
Or maybe it's because of my panic that attacked
I've never dealt with something like this
So maybe it's just the memories I miss
Or maybe I'm just thinking things because of those dreams
Maybe I'm calmer because I've finally slept,
Maybe I'm finally ripping apart at the seams
But I'm feeling quiet
And oh so very sad
After every emotion that started a riot
I no longer feel so mad
No doubt I'll probably light up again
Fuming at something or other,
But for now let's pretend
Before I start another
Because I dreamt and everything was okay
And a lot of times I wish I had been asked to stay
But I know that is not that case
If I wanted to stay, I wouldn't have left in the first place
At least that's what I tell myself
I'm so confused and I just don't understand what's right or what's wrong so I've hidden what I feel on my highest shelf
I know I don't deserve forgiveness, love, or pride
Wasn't I the one who stated that if we were to continue, we can no longer hide?
Yet hide was all I did
Too scared that I'd start a fight so I sealed up with a lid
I know I shouldn't second guess myself but that's all I've been doing
A constant battle with myself and the smarter side of me seems to be losing
Everything I fought for or thought was right,
Is slowly slipping away and losing this fight
Maybe these feelings are temporary, even though so far they've been constant
But I'm so tired of staring out my window feeling despondent
Everything else has been washed away
Maybe it was because of the rain yesterday
And I'm the one who's being unfair
So now I'm saying the words that I wouldn't dare:
I love you
I miss you
And I'm so, so sorry
But I beg you, do not listen to me
Because I know I'm too late, but I just can't seem to leave this be
Maybe I've finally lost my mind
Insanity was never very kind
And god how badly I want to make that call
But please don't pick up, because if you do I'll fall
Although my heart will most likely shatter if I'm left with silence
It's broken anyways, if that makes any sense
I'm trying so hard to do what's best for me
But that's never been what I put first, even if that's hard to believe
I know I should move on
That garden of roses is long gone
Despite myself I keep looking back at it
Longing to go back and tend to the flowers, if just for a little bit
I just can't figure out what's best for E.M.Y
Because lately she's been thinking that she wants to die
And I'm trying so hard to not use the word "you"
Addressing just makes it worse, but I don't know what to do
I don't understand and I'm so confused
That word is just so over used
So for now I'm so sorry
And I'm too late
I'm too late
I'm too late
