midnight thoughts

24/12/16 11:17pm

I always wanted to write a book.
I always wanted to get my thoughts and ideas out there. To the real world.
Me, not having any ideas and being far too lazy to actually do it, hasnt done it. Yet.
I will publish a book someday. Maybe in two weeks. Maybe in two years. Who knows.

I didnt really think before i started writing this. I wouldnt care if nobody read it, because its just some random words, pieced together, to make sense.
Ill probably name it 'midnight talks' or 'thoughts'. I feel like it fits.
feel...
feeling...
A weird thing...
To feel...
To love...
To hate...

I really dont know where im going with this... But my mind is all over the place... all the time.

I cant fall asleep at night.
I cant get up in the morning.
I try to go to bed early sometimes, in hope that i can fall asleep. But i cant. Its always the same.
Always.
I try to go to bed early, hoping i wont be tired anymore tomorrow.
I snooze my alarm 83939664 times, because i wanna keep dreaming.
Because i dont want to face the same shit everyday. The same daily shit.
Anyway, i have to stand up eventually, and if i do then, first of all im cold, and then second of all im tired. Like, really tired. The kind of tired where you could lay in your bed and fall asleep in 2 minutes.
Every-fucking-day.
Yes, its exausing. its... Quite literally-tiring.

My friends.
My friends are like.. the best.
No, seriously.
I mean, they help me get through shit, i wouldnt be able to go through on my own. And.. im really fucking greatful to have them.
Im so lucky. So fucking lucky.
Yes, okay, you may not know what shit has happend in my life, but i seriously couldnt have done it without them.
I dont know if i would still be here, if it werent for them.
I have 2 best friends.
And one is just... Like.. shes always on my mind...
Always.
When i wake up-her.
When i eat-her.
When i listen to music-her.
When i draw-her.
When im in school-her.
When i go to bed-her.
Always.
She has something to her, that makes her hard to forget.
I dont want to lose her.
Ever. 
Ffs shes the one that really understands me. Like really. I dont have to say anything sometimes and she knows how i feel.
What i think.
What i plan.
What i want to do.
What i dont want.

What i dont want...
The thing that i dont want the most is lose her.
Im so scared of losing her.
So fucking scared.
Its the thing im most afraid of.
I know how easy and how fast you can lose someone. - really fast.
I fucking love her.
I fucking trust her with my life.
I just... hope she feels the same...

Did this even make sense?
Jesus christ. I dont know.
But yea..
As i said, i just write down what comes to mind. And my mind, being all over the place, doesnt make sense sometimes. So, this book will probably not always be... Lets say.. easy to understand?
Its just a place where i can write shit down.
Destract me from my thoughts.
Escape, somehow.

The photos and videos are made by me, or almost every one.

Almost 600 words.
Who would read this?
I dont know.
I dont know...

My whole world has become a big 'I DONT KNOW'.