I feel like i dont even have the right to be depressed, when so many people have it worse than me.
I feel like i dont have the right to be called anorexic, bc so many people have it worse than me.
I feel like i dont deserve.
I feel like i dont deserve to be happy.
I feel like i dont deserve to be called depressed, anorexic, bulimic, suicidal etc.
I deserve the pain.
im not as bad as everyone thinks.
Or is it me, who already sees it as normal?
why does everybody wanna help me?
I seriously dont understand.
Yes, i may have problems, but i dont need no psychiatrist tell me that.
I dont need help.
I appreciate everyone handing it to me, but srsly.
Ive been way fucking better in the last 4 days or something.
But, there is always this little part of me... that little voice screaming in my head 'you dont deserve this/that/those/them/him/her' whatever it is.
and i cant ignore it.
bc, what did i do to deserve anything of that, what people are giving me?
Exactly. nothing. nothing at all.
sometimes i wonder, why i still live. Why i havent killed myself yet.
yes i have friends who very much support me in getting better, but... i just dont see the point. in getting better that is. Bc ik i will always be in that fucking spiral. I just feel it. But then again, my sense of feeling is not that great, ha!
im fine on my own... but then again, i dont have a reason to end it, afterall.
would i be afraid of it?
-yes and no.
I was afraid of death a lot when i was younger. now, sometimes i just dont give a fuck anymore. well, always actually.
I dont look on both sides when crossing the street.
I dont check how many pills i have to take. I just take them.
I dont wash my hands often in hope i get sick and die.
I dont do the things i have to, bc i have no motivation.
Its a wonder that i still go to school every fucking morning...
I just dont know anymore.
Idk why i try.
yea, there are good times. but with the good times come bad ones. always.
im high af and then im down in a hole 2 days later.
you never know.
yea, maybe its bc im in puberty n shit. Who tf knows.
Its not that i want to kill myself.
i just wanna die.
what perpose do i have in my fucking live?
-making other people happy, while suffering from the effects and noone cares or notices?
-telling other people not to harm or even kill themselves, while being suicidal?
Maybe my perpose is to suffer while everyone else is happy...
isnt that ironic...
suicidal kids telling other suicidal kids that suicide is not the answer.
if you think about it:
You never know whats going on in a persons head...
maybe that person is lying to you all the time. Saying that they care, that they worry, when they dont give a god damn fuck about you.
Who knows.
but, who would say that and mean it? That they care. That they give a fuck. You never fucking know.
and thats fucking scary to me...
The real question however is,
If you care about yourself
I stopped caring about myself a long time ago.
Im normal in my own way.
Right?
YOU ARE READING
midnight thoughts
Non-Fictionme, being a bored piece of shit, wanting to put her thoughts and ideas out to the world. thats what im doing here. telling my story - maybe just the beginning - maybe just the start. maybe its interessting to read whats going on in the mind of a per...
