midnight thoughts

7/01/17 1:05am

Hey.
this picture you see on the top is me and my cat having a very emotional moment.

Okay, no.
Just kidding.
I was cuddling with her... it always makes me feel a little better and it relaxes me.
Sounds a little weird, but it isnt really...

Yes, okay.
I dont really know what to write anymore... ah well.

Im actually doing a little better with eating. Sooo... thats good.

Im gonna start taking antidepressants... idk if it would help me.. with the depression. Maybe it will, maybe it wont.
Who knows?

2:45am
Im at my friends house rn and i cant sleep. And im bored..
I can never really fall asleep. No matter where i am. When i was younger, i could fall asleep in like 5 minutes and now it can take up to 2 hours, till i finally fall asleep...
And i can never sleep through. I always wake up. At least once. At like 3 am, if i fell asleep before that.

I have really weird dreams... not nightmares.. but.. they're just weird..
And sometimes make me anxious, but they dont really scare me.
I have especially weird dreams when im at someone elses house. Not weird in a sexual way, but like in a... just strange..
Like, so out of place and context, that it just leaves you thinking: 'wtf?'
You probably had one of those, right?
I just have them every night :l
So it leaves me thinking 'wtf' every time i wake up.

Yea.

My friend just said 'you look sad...'
i just looked at her like.. 'wtf okay'
Im not even that sad.
Do i actually look that sad? You know, when i dont pay attention?
my eyes hurt and are scratchy. They're dry. Idk why. But yeh.
Maybe thats why idk.

this is all over the place once again. Sorry.
Im tired but, as i said, i cant fall asleep.

3:00am
There is always this one person thats always on my mind.
Always.
No matter what im doing.
Maybe she knows thats shes always on my mind. Maybe she doesnt.
I cant remember if i told her once. Maybe when i was wasted as fuck.
I think she can tell.
She is a very observant person. She noticeses (?) things that an ordinary person wouldnt notice.
I really like that about her.
I like a lot of things about her.
Everything, actually.
All her flaws and inperfections make her perfect.
Everytime i see her i need to think 'man, i love this woman'
Yes, i may be exaggerating a little, but its actually like that.
Im not joking.
Its 3 in the fucking morning any yes, i may not be thinking very straight, but ey, thats me, folks.

I just really really really like her.
but idk if its love. Or if you call it that.
ffs what even is love?
Like, why?
Why do we fall in love?
Like, if we would need to reproduce, okay. But cant we just like... not love?
Love distroyes so much, but it also gives you so much.
It gives you that feeling of.. being wanted.
Having a reason.. to live, actually. For me, that is.
So, maybe love is a good thing.
It is.
But, its also not. Its the thing that can distroy, as said, so fucking much, if you let it. - its really hard not to let it.
Can you follow? -future me, or anyone who may read this-

Its a new year.
You think my heart cares? You think my brain cares?
-no-
Im still addicted.
To her.
The feeling she gives me.
the way my skin tingles every time she comes in contact with mine.
The way my stomach goes crazy           -butterflies- every time i see her.
The way, i smile everytime i see her, thinking it may be the last time, wanting to be happy.
Wanting to be okay.
Loving every second i can spend with her.
yes, maybe i do love her...
maybe im going crazy.
maybe shes the one making me crazy, lol okay that sounds weird but eyyy.

You will never know this person.
Maybe i will not know myself after sometime, thinking how could i love a person like that -probably not, shes perfect-, who knows? (I say that a lot, sorry)

Note to self:
I say these words a lot:
-probably
-who knows?
-jesus
-all the swear words that exist (all the ones i know)
-okay
-well (okay well)
-sup
Yea idk any others.