(This is just a short chapter for an insight into Steph’s confused thoughts and feelings. I thought it might help clear a few things up as to why she was the way she was with Niall)
Steph’s P.O.V
I don’t know what is happening to me. I’m changing, something I never thought would happen. I’m starting to feel things that I never thought I would feel. I never let my guard down but it’s happening. I’m afraid to get into relationships and I’m scared as fuck of falling for someone and that someone just so happens to be Niall Horan, I don’t want to hurt him knowing very well that I may or may not be able to commit to anything because it’s the way I am. So all of this has been balled in to one big ball of emotions, it’s been hurled at me way to fast and if I’m being honest it’s well and truly overwhelmed me, my insecurities and issues taking a beating in the process
Even though it is Niall – who is amazing, so talented and a total babe by the way – I still feel like I want to run for the hills, he may be famous and the guy of every girls dream or fantasies – including mine – but I’m still the same person.
Well at least I thought I was, until I saw him for the first time in a month after he asked me to be his girlfriend, and me being an in the moment kind of person, didn’t really think and said yes without a heartbeat and flew in to his arms crying
It wasn’t until he actually left that I had realised what I had done. I lost myself and everything I stood for and I was finding it hard to cope. I ignored most of his texts and messages, replying to only a few. I dodged all of his phone calls because I didn’t know what to say to him. I was complete bitch towards him now that I think about it
Niall being away made it easier to try and recollect how I felt about him, and what those feelings mean to me. A chance to be able to re-establish my old self, there was a small part of me – somewhere deep inside and hidden – that was at a constant nagging telling me not to fall back into my old ways, and I tried my very hardest to ignore it. I didn’t want to listen, I didn’t want to change this is who I am
I began to realise that he liked me as much as I led on about liking him too, so with me ignoring him has got to have impacted on him somehow and with Chase in my ear every five minutes asking why I haven’t called or why I’m ignoring him and ‘because Harry said this’, I’m guessing Niall’s a bit down in the dumps about things. An errant though crossed my mind, did I cause this? A wave of guilt washed over me at the thought
I remember the days where we would sit in either her room or mine lost in our cyber world stuck in a fandom we don’t want to get out of. Trolling through pictures, smiling at the funny ones, jaws dropping at the sexy ones, but what’s getting to me right now is how upset and teary eyed I would get if I saw a picture or a tweet when Niall was sad, and that’s me now making him feel sad and I don’t like it
I needed to change this. I don’t want to be the one to ever make him feel sad. I began to listen with all my heart, the best that I could, to the voice deep down that I so cruely shut away, and slowly I began to feel . I let in everything that I felt before I’d ever met him, I let in the way I felt when I got the chance to meet him, I let in all the feelings that followed. The secret first date that Louis had so kindly set up, all the hugs – I had always dreamed of getting a Horan hug – all the hand holding, all the kisses we shared, I let it all back in. it was so emotional but something that needed to be done, I cared far too much to let something go that I hadn’t even given a chance yet
So basically from the minute I had got off the plane, seeing him standing there and then having his arms wrapped around me, I knew I wanted to be with him, it all made sense. But I had to tell him baby steps, I needed to learn to walk before I could jump or run, however that saying goes. He agreed without hesitation and that made my heart swell
All my doubts, fears and worries gradually disappeared, more-so when I asked him to stay with me my first night in London because I didn’t want to be alone, and he did. I felt at ease, peaceful even, wrapped in his arms, which was a first for me. The warmth that radiated from him was comforting and made me feel safe, and I thought to myself, maybe I can do this…slowly, because the truth is I couldn’t bear to lose him
