Relations To Lashton (On Hold)

Chapter 1: Tell Us What You Meant, Baby Girl

(unedited)

It's nearly one in the morning and I have my Ariana Grande Cat Ear Headphones on so I can't hear a thing besides my incredibly loud music.

I'm staring down at my hands which are in my lap and am vaguely paying attention to the flashing lights of my headphones that are pulsing to the beat of the music; though, most of my attention is just on my thoughts.

I can't sleep due to my insomnia and sleep paralysis. I'm lucky to get even ten minutes of sleep each night because of my sleeping issues so most nights I connect my Cat Ear Headphones to my phone with Bluetooth and blare my music almost to its maximum volume. Sometimes I blare it at maximum volume.

I want to stop focusing on my thoughts for just a few minutes, but I know that won't happen. I have other mental issues too, it's not just sleep paralysis and insomnia. I also have severe anxiety, mild PTSD, a bit of depression, the occasional hallucination, and the voices that are always talking in my head. It makes life incredibly hard.

Even though most people would be really tired by now, I'm not. I don't have an excess amount of energy to get rid of, but my body has gotten used to the very small amount of sleep so I don't get tired very easily and I don't need as much sleep to have enough energy to get through the day.

I don't notice when my bedroom door opens so when the light tap on my left shoulder comes, I jump so much that my headphones fall off and my phone slips from my hands, landing a few feet away from me and now on the floor.

Luke and Ashton are standing in my room. Luke is the one who tapped my shoulder and he looks a little scared and a little confused by my actions. Ashton is standing in the doorway with the same expression as Luke.

I glare at both of them as I inspect my headphones to make sure they're not damaged; the music still playing. I proceed to get up and grab my phone, making sure it's okay as well before pausing my Spotify playlist so that the music stops playing and the room is suddenly very quiet. The music had been playing loudly enough that you could hear it like it was on speakers even though the headphones weren't on speaker mode.

I look at the digital clock on the bottom shelf of the black shelves on the opposite wall from the one I am now leaning on while sitting on my bed again. The bright green numbers of the clock read 1:11 and I realize that both the boys currently standing in my room thought that I had gone to bed around ten.

"Why are you still up?" Luke asks me, his voice full of suspicion like he thought I had been doing something illegal.

"I couldn't sleep so I decided to listen to some music." I keep my answer vague and to the point, hoping that he won't ask any more questions. Luke and Ashton may be my best friends and the closest things I have to family, but I don't like talking about my mental problems with anyone.

"Your music was really loud." Ashton states the obvious with that one.

"That was the point." It slips out of my mouth before I can stop myself from saying it. I have to resist the urge to just walk out of the room or put my headphones back on. I've had a pretty bad day in the first place and I don't need anything else to go wrong.

"What?" They say at the same time, both equally confused.

"Just forget I said it." I flick my hand towards the door, trying to get them to leave me alone. I know that if they start questioning me, the voices will get louder and meaner, and if it's really bad, I'll start having flashbacks. It's bad enough that I'm as anxious as I am, but if I get more worried in any way, I doubt I'll be able to pull myself out of the hole that I will have fallen into.

"Tell us what you meant, baby girl." As he speaks, Luke keeps his voice calm, steady, reassuring, and as calming as he possibly can. When he calls me baby girl, I get so close to caving in and telling them everything. They do deserve to know. The most I've told them is that I get anxious easily and I have some bad experiences in my past.

In order to keep myself from telling them, I keep my mouth clamped shut and just shake my head so that they know I'm not going to tell them what I meant.

Ashton finally steps completely into the room and walks over to me, standing next to Luke, but a little closer to me than his boyfriend is. I stand up and position myself so that I'm standing in front of them.

"Arin, sweetheart. Please tell us what you're talking about. We just want to know that you're okay, princess." Of course, he knows that pet names will get me to talk. With him using two of them and with Luke having used one just a minute ago, I can't hold it in anymore.

A few of the tears I had been holding back finally fall. Once the first ones are out, the rest just come flooding out after them.

As soon as Luke and Ashton see that I'm crying, they both envelope me in a hug and are holding me tight to their bodies as my crying turns into loud sobs. I can't control it anymore, it just doesn't seem possible at the moment.

"It's okay baby, just let it out." They both whisper comforting words like that to me as I start to run out of tears to cry, but every time I think I'm almost done, more tears begin to run down my cheeks.

My sobs eventually turn into small whimpers and only a few tears are left. Sometime during the whole thing, Luke and Ashton had brought me back to my bed and sat down with me, their backs against the wall and me in their laps, leaning against both of them.

Luke is running a hand through my hair and Ashton is rubbing circles into my back. I'm facing the two boys and my forehead rests partially on Luke's left shoulder and partially on Ashton's right.

We sit like that for a few more minutes before Ashton asks, "Do you feel better now, kitten?" His voice is soft and comforting, but I can still hear the slight concern he's trying to hide.

I sit up a little bit and nod my head, my eyes staring down at my hands which are in my lap again.

"I guess I have to tell you what I meant now."

"It can wait if you don't want to talk about it right now, but we want you to tell us eventually. We just want you to be okay."

"I can try."

Word count: 1201