Relations To Lashton (On Hold)

Chapter 4: And Now I'm All Alone And Vulnerable

(unedited)

It was all too much. I couldn't even let Luke and Ashton comfort me. I jumped out of their laps and ran out of the room, far away from them. I ran out of the house completely, not closing the front door behind me. I don't know how long I ran, or where I ran to, but the anxiety won't go away and I don't have my phone or anything that would help me fix this.

I remember that Luke and Ashton tried to follow me, I had looked back as I ran down the street. They had been so shocked that I had left so abruptly that they hadn't started following right away. But the time they made it out the door and down to the sidewalk, I was already out of their sight, though I could still see them. I only caught a brief glimpse of their worried faces before I rounded the corner and kept running, trying to stay steady on my feet as my body trembled rather violently and tears blurred my vision to the point where I could barely see.

I kept stumbling over the concrete and I think I almost got hit by a car a couple of times from running into the street without checking for cars.

I don't recognize the part of town I'm in, but it doesn't matter right now. All that matters is getting the memories to stop flashing through my vision, the voices to stop screaming at me so loudly that my ears feel like they're going to burst.

Putting my hands over my ears, I try to get the voices to shut up and leave me alone, but they just get louder and louder. They're screaming about what I should do to fix everything, to get my brother and dad back. But it's already too late, they're gone. I don't want them back, I want them to disappear from my memories like they had never even existed.

It's too much. It's always been too much. It will never stop being too much.

I can't handle it and I don't have Luke and Ashton to help me through it. I never should've left. It was one of my dumbest decisions. And now I'm all alone and vulnerable.

They're just one call away. All you have to do is press that button and they'll be back. You need them. You can't live without your dad or your brother and you know it. No need to cause yourself more pain.

There are people all around me, screaming at me and telling me to get myself together. A huge crowd watching me writhe in pain and sorrow while curled up in a ball in the middle of some park.

Too many voices for me to hear one specific person, but I can hear everything they're saying loud and clear as though I can hear them individually.

My body is shaking violently, and it feels like my bones are going to shatter into millions of pieces. I'm in immense pain, but I'm also numb at the same time. It's as though the entire weight of the world is pushing down on my lungs and the weight of everything else in existence is pushing in on my ears.

The pain gets worse and the crowd gets bigger. There are more and more people shoving their way through the sea of people just so that they can scream at me. Their words are hurtful and mean and I can no longer hear what everyone is saying, but I still hear most of them loud and clear.

Someone grabs onto my arm and I scream, struggling to get away from them. Someone else grabs onto my other arm and I'm too weak to get away.

Then I'm pulled up from the ground and onto my feet, but I can't feel my legs and can't stay standing so whoever pulled me off the ground picks me up and starts carrying me.

I'm scared and tired, and I don't know what to do or how to deal with any of it.

I try to turn around and see what's going on, and the crowd has disappeared. There isn't a single person in my line of sight.

No longer struggling to get away from the two men who are carrying me, I let my body go limp as I try to get the voices to leave me alone or at least lower their volume.

I keep my eyes closed too, not wanting them to focus on things and make me confused.

I wish that Luke and Ashton were here. I could really use their comfort. Why did I think it was a good idea to just get up and run? I should've just gone into the bathroom or something so that I could calm down a little bit, not run away into an unknown and dangerous part of town.

If I could just fall unconscious, then I wouldn't have to deal with this for a while. Even the voices would disappear.

The two men carrying me are trying to speak to me, but I can't make out what they're saying. Everything but the voices is muffled and hard to understand.

You're really letting these men just take you? You could be killed you idiot. But maybe that's not such a bad thing. We've been wanting you dead for quite some time now.

I've been wanting me dead for a while now too. Then maybe the voices would leave me alone for once. That would be nice.

Or maybe you'll be raped again. Just goes to show what you deserve. First your brother and father do it, now these two men might do it too. That would be fun, getting to hear your screams for help even though no one will be able to hear you. Just like it was last time.

I can't tune them out. Normally I can find a way to ignore them, but it's all too much and my mind is already too weak as it is, but this just makes it worse. Now would be a great time to lose consciousness.

You think you're gonna lose consciousness? That's funny. We'll make sure you stay awake. It's not fun to scream at you when you can't even hear us. There's no point to it. But when you're awake we can torture you with just our words.

Do you like that idea? We do. I think we're gonna bring it up a notch. Hope you're ready, not.

Word count: 1090