Relations To Lashton (On Hold)

Chapter 3: Don't Change The Subject, Love

(unedited)

I stay silent for another couple seconds before speaking again, not bothering to acknowledge that Luke had said something.

"After that comes the voices in my head and the occasional halluci-" Ashton cuts me off.

"Don't change the subject, love."

I know that he wants me to tell them about my brother and dad, but I don't think I can handle talking about it. It's been pushed so far into the back of my mind and it's such a terrible memory it will physically pain me to try and bring it to the surface, let alone tell Luke and Ashton.

"I don't, I don't think I can handle it." What's the point in lying to then now? Why not just tell them that I'm too fucked in the head to tell them?

"You can do it muffin." How can they come up with so many pet names? It is so hard to say not to them when they call me these things, especially because I've always had a soft spot for those types of couple things.

As I try to start talking again, I can't find the words and I stutter and stop speaking multiple times, all in an attempt to tell my deepest secrets to the two people I am closest to.

"It's okay baby girl, try to relax." Just the fact that they're both being so supportive helps me to get myself together.

I try to get my muscles to loosen up and be a bit less tense, and it only works a little bit, but it's still something.

Once I've managed to somewhat relax, I start to put the words together in my head to form actual sentences and plan out what I'm going to say before I try to say it.

"I guess, I guess I'll start with my twin brother. I know I never told you about him, but it was because I had tried my hardest to forget that he had ever existed." I have to speak slowly so as not to stutter too much or start messing up the words again.

"His name was Archer. He was the person I trusted most in the world. Even when I thought I had nobody to go to, I could always go to him. He was always there for me."

It's almost too much for me to handle. I haven't talked about Archer since I was fourteen when I was finally able to push him and everything that had happened so far into the back of my mind that I never thought of him, my dad, or just my family in general. Not even my mom, who was constantly trying to be with me.

She said that she just wanted some mother daughter time, but I know she just wanted to make sure I was okay and that I wasn't going to do anything stupid while in the state of mind that I was in.

"Everything was fine until the day we turned thirteen. He and my dad had come up to me and said they had a surprise for me. I wasn't suspicious at all, just happy that they had done something special for me.

"We all got in the car, my dad and Archer in the front and me in the back."

My voice cracks at the end of the sentence and I have to stop talking for a couple minutes to keep myself from freaking out too much and crying.

"Th-they took m-me to," I can't finish my sentence before I start crying again, the tears flooding down my face. Having to form words and create sentences to talk about the terrible things in my past is too much for me to handle.

I hate that I'm letting Luke and Ashton see me as loud sobs escape my mouth and tears flow down my face and an increasing pace, but I know they don't care that I look terrible right now or that I'm getting their shirts wet from my tears. They just want me to be okay.

I also know that it's hard for them to have to ask me to tell them all this. They know that it's causing me pain, but they keep pushing through because they need to know, they deserve to know.

After I had lived with Luke and Ashton for about a year, I had realized that I couldn't live without them. At the same time, I had also realized that I loved both of them. I knew that they were in a relationship and I knew that they were both very far off limits, but I couldn't stop myself from being so attached to them and loving them as much as I do.

They know that I love them, but they think that I love them as though they are my brothers. And they love me as though I am their sister.

Even though I appreciate them loving me in anyway and being here for me, I still can't help but wish that they loved me in a different way.

I could never ask that of them, though. They were nice enough to take me in when I needed help and let me stay when I was obviously not capable of living on my own. I could never ask them to love me at all, yet alone threaten their own relationship so that they could love me.

I'm already incredibly that they love me as a sister, and I will never bring myself to ask for more than that.

Tears won't stop streaming down my face and I can faintly hear Ashton and Luke calling my name in the background, but it's barely there.

It's so hard to hear anything over the voice yelling at me again. They had been silent from the moment that Luke and Ashton came in, but now they're back and as loud as ever.

Word count: 986