Life as it goes...

6. Guns n Roses

Max

It was really difficult going back to school after the break. I had been meeting Sam during the holidays, even though it was at night most of the time. She is an amazing girl and I actually feel like I can help her put everything back on track. School, that is a different story. Of course, my grades are alright, I have some people to hang out with and teachers like me most of the time, but school just gives me a feeling of being lonely. Walking through the hallways seeing people with their best friends or boyfriends and girlfriends. I haven't really had a best friend since my sister died. I told her everything, every little detail about me and about the things that happened to me. I know that it is probably weird, since most brothers and sisters don't usually open up to each other about stuff like that, but Amy was different. God, I miss her so much. She knew that it's hard for me to open up to people and how I have issues with trusting people. My friends at school, they don't really know me. They know the basics, where do I live, who are my parents and brother, what are my favourite subjects and foods but they don't know the small things. Things I've told Sam are things I only would've told my sister. Yet, in a comfortable situation as the one with Sam, I still have trouble speaking about myself. I'd rather have her to speak, look into her eyes, listen to the melody of her voice. Everything is so much easier when you're just the one listening. No one can hurt you, no one gets too close to break your heart or leave you.

The past week at school has been a very weird one. It's like I'm there but I'm not. I pay attention to class and eat with my friends, but I don't feel any joy. Sometimes we laugh and make jokes and I laugh with them, but this small voice inside my head keeps asking me; 'is this how you want to spend your time? Are these the people you want to hang out with?' This gets me off track all the time. I like hanging out with them and they make me laugh, but like I said before we don't know each other. Amy always told me that I'm a different kind of guy, I'm too sensitive for most guys, I feel too much but speak so less about it. That's what I loved so much about Amy. She could read people just by one glance, she'd know how people act and how they feel by the way they lifted their heads and by the way they moved their feet while talking. It was really weird, but it helped us both a lot while finding the right people to hang out with. Besides that one time when she met Brad, god I hate him. If Amy would've just opened her eyes and looked at how he behaved! You know what they say, love is blind. I never really believed in this, I always figured you still have your common sense while you love or like someone, but now I know it really is true.

I hadn't seen Sam for the past week, I guess she's been busy with other stuff around her house and school. I really hope she is doing alright but I feel like if something was wrong I would've heard.

My mom asked me about her this morning, why I was hanging out with her so much and how I even met her. I explained the story to her and how Sam gives me the same feeling as Amy used to give me. It brought tears to my mothers eyes, I know Amy's death hurts her as much as it hurts me, but my mom is so strong, she never shows any signs of being hurt to anyone. I think she feels weak when she does, she want to be a role model for me and Luke. So when I saw she was getting emotional I told her it was okay to show it hurts, it is never a sign of weakness, you only show that you care and that is one of the most beautiful things in this world, being able to care and love a person. I can tell she was happy I told her that. She just smiled at me and told me I'm a sweetheart. Even though I don't always tell my mom how I feel and what is going through my mind, I think she somehow knows everything about me and my feelings. She and Amy are very look a like, both looks and thoughts and personality. I'm more like my dad, always wanting to see the best in people and never wanting to hurt anyone.

Sunday I went to my favourite record store to see if I could pick up any good music. Since I come there almost every weekend the owner knows me and we started talking. He told me that a few days ago a girl came by and bought a record, not for herself but for me. First I just stood there completely shocked but then I smiled. Oh Sam, that girl somehow knows what to do to bring a smile to my face over and over again. When the owner, Dylan, gave the record to me I saw it was Guns n Roses. I remember her telling me this was the album that gave her anxiety over and over again, since it was the music playing in the car when they had the accident and also her brothers favourite music. I must say I never really listened much to Guns n Roses, but I'm open to new things. I thanked Dylan and he just gave me this weird smirk. I think Dylan has a pretty good idea of what kind of person I am, since he knows all the music I listen to and most of the time music says more about a person than words ever could. It gives me both an unpleasant as heartwarming feeling. A almost complete stranger probably knows more about me than people at my school ever will.

When I got home I immediately went to my room to listen to the music. I know my dad was a huge fan of Guns n Roses during his teenage years, so when he heard the music he came bursting into my room with the biggest smile on his face. I made me really happy to see him with that much joy. He asked me how it came to my mind to listen to Guns n Roses now after like 10 years of begging. I told him Sam gave it to me and that I meant much to her and that she wanted me to have it. I saw that my dad was still happy and he smiled at me, saying that this girl has a great taste of music. He left and I lay down on my bed, just surrounded by the music. I was so into the sounds, the melody and lyrics that I lay down for about 3 hours until I heard Luke crying. I immediately texted Sam to thank her for the album and that I loved small gestures like these. She called me back within 5 seconds if I wanted to go drink some coffee with her.

When I arrived she was already sitting there at the table, wearing a simple jeans and sweater with braids in her hair. I like it how she is not the kind of girl who puts on 10 layers of make up or clothes herself like she's having a bikini shoot every minute. She keeps it simple. I think she likes to keep things to imagination. After I stood there thinking for about 5 minutes she looked up at me waving overly enthusiastic. I think she regretted what she did because she stopped immediately, but all I could do was smile at her. I was so glad to see her again and this time during day time. I sat down and she told me she already ordered two large hot chocolates and some cheesecake. She told me about her past week, about the cleaning, the grocery shopping, all the problems from the girls at the house and the anxiety attacks from the past week. She didn't have that many actually, which was very good to hear. When she asked me about my week I didn't really know where to start. I basically just ranted about me and my friends now knowing each other, about Dylan, my parents, Luke. And even though she didn't say much to me during and after the rant, I know she understood exactly what I meant.

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I am SO SO sorry for not posting it's been like half a year or so omg anyway I was really busy and kinda forgot about the book oops😳 hope you like the chapter!
Much love,
Lotte xo