Life as it goes...

5. The Aftermath

Sam

A lot can change in a day. Last night I tried to escape this world and here I am today with a flicker of hope. I know I am not totally all right but I also know that I was not making good decisions yesterday. What would have happened of me if Max was not there. If he hadn't stopped me? I know that if I had ended all of it I would have regretted it, regretted the fact that I did not meet Max, regretted the fact that I have never seen what the world has to offer, regretted the fact that I did not give my potential future children a chance to live. It would have been a dumb idea but under the rose tinted glasses and the daze I was in last night and for the past few months it sounded better than sliced bread. But now I am here, on top of the bridge that seems to love meddling with my life it has already changed the course of my life completely twice now. I am shut off completely from the outside world even my thoughts and their voices seem to mute themselves, as I start to wonder what might this bridge have experienced in its time here. Deaths, proposals, saving, people meeting I am pretty sure that if the bridge could talk it would have quite an interesting story to say. I look up admiring the surroundings I haven't been to the bridge when I was not under the curse of anxiety for quite sometime. The town looks very beautiful from here, I start to peak into the windows. What are their lives like? Are they OK? Do they maybe need any help? When all of a sudden I see one amongst many that has its lights on, all of a sudden the window panes fly open and blue curtains escape out, if my eyes are not failing me there is someone. I hope they are ok and that nothing has happened. It is so hard to see from so far away and in the dark. As my eyes adjusted I can tell it is a black haired boy who is frantically waving, Max. I know who he is and so I call him to assure him I am ok that he can trust me I will not do anything stupid. I promise but how can I even trust myself after the performance I put on last night? I can see him relax as I am talking to him. Today I found a diamond amongst the bog I was in and I intend to keep him close and safe. I slowly make my way back towards my house. The one I share with the girls, I arrive to the house I see that it is still buzzing with energy even though it is now nearly midnight. As I enter Bri is on the kitchen table I think she didn't sleep yet she is so obsessed with getting into medical school that she is always studying or doing some kind of research. I silently nod to say I arrived but she makes no acknowledgment, I admire her, how she manages to work on her school work with 4 other girls all swarming about. Krys is sleeping on the sofa, must have been a long day at work. I go to her side and cover her with a blanket. She is otherwise going to freeze to death. I go through the corridor which leads to two bedrooms and a shared bathroom, I can see Riles who is jamming to some music I make my presence known and her face lights up. Our little Riles always worries too much about us, it should be the other way around we are the adults. I go into my room, the one I share with Arya, she is still not home I wonder what might have happened to her. I plug my phone into its charger and wait for it to load then I send her a quick text. She does not reply immediately, so I go to Riles and Bri's room, I sit comfortably next to Riles. Not before long I drift off to sleep. I didn't even know how tired I was before now. I have been awake for more than 24 hours. What hectic 24 hours those where! I really hope i never reach that low in my life ever again, I hope I never have to re-live that.

Uggghhhh it's Saturday which means it is errand and cleaning day. I quickly eat some breakfast as I glance at the list on the fridge. I pick 4 errands we need to do that the others haven't already chosen and write them on a separate sheet. I go around the kitchen and check all of the cupboards, slowly adding on to the shopping list anything that has finished. I leave the house 30 minutes later and  first I go to the grocery and I walk up and down the aisles putting stuff in my bag and ticking them off the list. How can people like shopping? I then run to the post office just so I can post  some letters from all of the girls. I send mine to my pen-friend. Call us old fashioned but I think it is so much cooler to have a physical thing to hold onto rather then a Facebook message which eventually gets lost. I run to the bank and try to take care of my financing, I really hate pretending to be an adult I really want to curl up into a ball with my head resting on my mum's thighs like when I used to be too sick or too sad to go to school. I miss those days, I miss my family so much. I try to put myself into a better mood by strolling down the main road and window shopping occasionally going in and out of stores. Maybe just maybe, I would find something nice for myself I like to do this it gives me encouragement to know that I can take care of myself and every now and then I can buy myself and treat. It makes me feel that I can be an adult and although I am young I am do ing just fine. When I find myself a cute frame and print a picture of me with the girls, I head home to our little apartment, it might not be much but it is home.

I start doing our laundry, I do not hate laundry and now it is even better ever since we have invested in buying our own washer and dryer. I do my homework between one load and another, this way I do not procrastinate. I can't believe I had to repeat this year, but can you do life must go on. When laundry is done I tick everything off the list and have a little victory dance I am done for the week. I go to my room only to find Arya still cleaning it, she literally kicked me out of the house for an hour or two. I then decide to go and get coffee and finish my homework in the cafe round the corner. I greet Richard as he takes my order, Richard is about 50 years of age but I know him well he adopted one of the girls I was with at the orphanage the few days I spent there. 45 minutes to go until I can safely go into the house without risking Arya kicking me out again. unconsciously I start to hum to the background music until it hits my brain the familiar tune I was humming in none other than Guns n Roses!! I can feel panic starting to build up in my chest, my mind desperately tries to take control of my body. I try to do the breathing exercises that taught me in therapy but I cannot control this. Richard sees my distress and motions me to go into the back. At the back there is Darcy, she immediately realises what is happening and calms me down. Even though I calmed down deep down I still have the urge to try and escape and end this to be reunited with my family. It is different now deep within me, there is also a whimper of hope, a whispering voice telling me it will be ok. All  I know now is that I cannot disappoint Max. I slowly pack my stuff and leave I do not care about Arya but right now I really want to curl up and sleep. I am exhausted!

Without saying a word to anyone I climb into my bed and drift off I hope no one wakes me up. I need to rest I cannot even think straight that is how tired I am right now. I wake up in the middle of the night sweating and hyperventilating. My pulse is racing again. I cannot feel my feet I have too much anxiety and adrenaline. Can I even trust myself to go run after what happened? But my blood is boiling and my legs are aching for me to run. I can sense the way numbness it taking over my body. Beside me I can feel Aryana tumbling in her sleep maybe she knows I am not ok. Maybe just maybe she will wake up. I quickly shoot a text to Max but he does not reply. I send a message to Khoa and Keren maybe they are awake. But no sane person would be awake at this time of day. So I quietly pick up my shoes and running shorts, I do not even bother to change my top. I leave the house and start to run my usual track trying to get lost in the rhythm of my steps....
....One, two, three, four
....one, two, three, four
....one, two, three, four
....one, two, three, four...

I continue to count the steps. When I am running I count the steps, it keeps me focused on something. I run and run this is the only way I do not look like a total fool . All of a sudden I can feel a presence someone is running along me. I keep on running but this presence keeps on persisting each time I hurry my pace they hurry theirs until curiosity got the best of me and I glanced ever so slightly trying to make the presence notice when I realise all this time it had been Max who was running beside me. We keep on running until we have made a complete lap around the whole town and we are back again at the bridge. The bridge where he saved me the bridge where we met. My heart diminishes it's pumping and my mind is now back in control, slowly I regain feeling in my legs and arms. Although my anxiety has dissolved my breath is still hitched because of the run. We lay there for about 30 minutes in complete silence until he slowly says 'Hey what's up?' And so the conversation poured out of us there was nothing we didn't talk about from work to school to pain to my mental state to us being here.

I am so glad I have him now, he is like my human diary, I have never been so open about my life to anyone not even the girls but with Max it is different I feel at home with him and not the lousy apartment I live in now but home with the comfort family brings.

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I am very very sorry Lotte for the wait but I got really busy and life got in the way and time passed sooo quickly. Befor I realised it had been nearly two months. I am very sorry!!!

Ok I hope you like this chapter. I'll be waiting for your response :)

Love,

Bobz